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Copy 1 



THE THREE-FOLD LOVE 



A COMEDY m FIVE ACTS, 



BY 



FRANK COWAN, 

Author cf " Curious Facts in the History of Insects." 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year ISOG.bv Prank Cowaa, 
in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the West- 
ern District of Pennsylvania. 



GBEENSBURG, PENN'A : 

PRINIED AT THE " HERALD " JOB OFFICE. 
l!<66. 



DEAMATIS PEESON^. 



Hon. Gotlieb Heidelberg, M. C. 

George Lackland, as 1. The crazy cove wat spouta, 

2. Uncle George. 

3. The Doctor. 

Sir Henry Howard, an English Cockney, engageci 

to Flirtina. 
Major Bopp. a German Count, in love with Flirtina, 
Dr. Squirm, a Yankee physician. 
MiCKiE O'Grady, Irish servant to Dr. Squirm. 

Tad , a news-boy. ^ 

Bob, a negro boot-black. V Street-criers. 

Steve, a negro oyster-boy. J 

Hon. Mrs. Heidelberg. 

Lenore, daughter to Hon. G. Heidelberg. 

Mrs. Squirm, wife to Dr. Squirm. 

Flirtina, daughter to Dr. Squirm. 

Aileen O'Ranter, Irish Servant to Heidelberg. 



Plot laid in Washington, D. C. 
Time : early part of year 1866. 
Costumes modern — exaggerated in lower charactersi. 



P5 1^^ 
•C5 >5 



'THE THREE-FOLD LOVE. 
^C T I. 

Scene I. Aiyavcmentinfrontof Heidclherc/shouse 
on Oapitol Hill. A Coal-hole in the centre. 

Enter Tad, a news-hoy. 

Tad. — Morning Chronic-ill! President's Veto to the 
Freedmen's Bureau Bill ! Morning Chronic-ill ! 

Enter GeOrge Lackland, [drunk and crazy.) 
Hello ! Johnny Eeb ! Good morning ! 

Lackl. — Do Siva's snakelike locks writhe in my hair? 
And is he glutting on ray living brain ? 
And quaffing up the life-blood from my skull ?-- 
madness, thou i;youlds't surfeit hell with fiends ! 

Tad. — \JJallm[i^'\ Hello ! Bob ! Here's the crazy cove 
wat spouts !— Go in, Canterbury ! Go in crazy I 

Enter Bob, a boot-blacJc. 

Boh. — Shine 'em up ! Union shine ! N ow's yer time ! 
And only cost you half a dime — shine 'em up, sir? 

Lackl. — His- visage downward bends, as if he were 
The fabled beast of iEthiopia, 
That hung its head to shield the world from Death 
Who shot bis poison' d arrow in its glance I 
Ha! ha! ha! lia ! 

Stand on your head, black basilisk, and look 
Me in the face ! Thy dreaded eye I fear not — 
For now a fatal glance has pierc'd my skull, 
And burns my brain as 'twere Acestea' shaft. 

Boh. — Yah ! yah ! go in crazy ! 

Tad. — Lay 'er down ! You Jonny Reb !J 



I/acJcI.T—A Johnny Reb ! The very boys rip out 
The bowels of my madden'd brain ! Ayaunt ! 
Avaunt ! ye cursed fiends of hell ! avaunt ! 

Tad. — Ha ! ha ! Go in, Johnny ! [^Exit crying^'] 

Chronic-ill ! 
Boh. — Yah ! yah ! crazy ! Hya's the way to strike 

yer Canterbury ! \_Strikes a Canterbury and exit , 

crying] Shine 'em up ! 

Lachl. — A rebel's name ! Oh, could e'en death itself 
Tear from my tortur'd soul that seething brand ! 
In that damn'd word the jaws of hell are howling ! 

Exit. 
Enter Mickie. 

Michie. — This way for Mr. Heidelberg's. 

Enter Dr. and Mrs. Squirm. 

Dr. Squ. — Amelia, dear, \_reading fromhooTc,'] as I have 
expressed it in my Epistle on Epidemics, an insur- 
mountable obstacle is reposing in the pathway you 
would perambulate. My article on trichiniasis and 
cholera, which, as you know, my dear, I have 
determined, by analogy and by careful microscop- 
ical examination, to be occasioned by infinitesimal 
animalculse floating about in the atmospheric ele- 
ment we breathe, must indisputably be presented 
first ta this Honorable Member of Congress. 

MicJcie. — Yis, yer honor, it's a murtherin' villain this 
cholera. An' it's divil a wake Tim Murphey got 
for fear of the outragious disease, whin Pat Casey's 
hod fell fomint his red head an' killed him dead on 
the shpot that he died the nixt night. 

Mrs. Squ. — Silence, Mickie ! —My appropriation! ^s- 
culapius. I insist upon stating my case first. 
What shall your wife's philanthropic generosity in 
distributing Hebrew tracts among our ignorant 
colored brethering be unpaid for by the govern- 
ment ? I must have my appropriation I 

Dr. Squ. — No, my dear. The trichiniasis and cholera 
this Member of Congress must have first !— Mick- 
ie, ring the bell ! \JMic1cie rm^s.] 



b 



Mrs. Squ. — I say my appropnauon'iirst 1 What I have 
women no rights! Read my last article in the 
Boston Journal. 

Dr. Squ. — Mickie, depart, and drive my daughter Flir- 
tina — no, Amelia, my trichiniasis first — around the 
capitoi. But return here — my article on cholera 
first — after a period of fifteen minutes has elapsed. 

Michie. — All right, yer honor. '[J.se'c?e,] 'Tis well seen 
they're from the hub-bub of the universe. Exit. 

Aiken. — [ Within,'] If yer umbrella-menders or persons 
saykin' cffices, Mr. Heidelberg says you may clear 
out, ye vagabonds. 

Dr. Squ. — It is beneath our dignity to reply, Amelia. 

3Irs. Sqit. — It is, iEsculapius. 

Dr. Squ —'For once then we agree. 

Aileen. — \_Opens the door,~\ Arrah ! I thought ye were 
office saykers or ither vagabonds. 

Dr. Squ. — Present our cards to the Honorable Gotlieb 
Heidelberg. 

Aileen. — Come in to the parlor, an' I'll say him to larn 
if I must tell ye he is out, tho' all the time he is 
afther scratchin' fly-legs all over his papers. [Dr. 
and 3Irs. Sqit. go in, Alieen looking out of door.^ 
Aye, there goes my darlint Mickie into Whitney's ; 
he'll be afther comin' back when he's taken a wee 
dthrop. \jUleen goes in and closes the door.J^ 

Enter Major Bopp. 

Maj. B. — Tunner und blitzen ! wash ish der matter mit 
me ! I fights mit Siegel, und drinks mit Blenker, 
put I isii dishmissed und dishgraced ! I den meets 
der shweet Mish Flirtina, und she calls me a prave 
soltyer, und dances der German mit me ; und I 
shpends all mine monies on her ; und I calls her 
mine frauline ; and den, mine faderland ! she 
says she ish to marry der English Lord, de Henry 
Howard, who ish a cDward undfop. mine gott ! 
wash ish der matter mit me ! Den I gets me a let- 
ter to der Congressman Heidelberg foor ein koor- 
nelcy in der army ; unt I comes here fifty times; 
but, tunner und plitzen, he ish always djus t nichts 



a 



come arous ! Ah ! wash jsh der matter mit me l 
Put I'll catch der Congressman now— eh? Yaw ! 
[^Cfoes to ring the hell.'\ 

Aileen. — [From the coal vault,'] Mickie, darlint, an' its 
hoist the iron gratiu'! 

Maj. B. — Mine gott ! ish dat ein ghost ! Und sphrechen 
vom der ground. 

Aileen. — Mickie ! Mickie ! an' its hoist the iron gratin'! 

Maj. B. — Ah ! I dot it wassh ein ghcat. Tunner ! a 
praye soltjer ish never afeard of ghosts ! So I'll 
let dis woman out vom der coal-hole. [Raises gra- 
ting, reaches down, and pulls Aileen s head and 
arms out.] 

Aileen.— [Still holding 3Iaj. B's hand.] Array! ye 
Ditch villain, an' is it you ? Gorrah ! Ye're 
always afther ringin' the bell, and disturbin' yer 
bethers, ye Ditch vagabond ! 

3Iaj. B. — ^Ah, mine gott ! wash ish de matter mit me 
now ! 

Aileen.-^ There, take that, and lave yer bethers alone ! 
[Throivs ahandfull of soot and ashes in his face^ 
and drops into the vault.] 

Maj. B. — Ah, mine faderland ! I ish plack just like 
ein plack neeger ! Ver ish der Pot-omac to vash 
minefaysh! Ah, mine gott, wash ish de matter 
mit me ! Exit. 

Re-enter Mickie. 

MicTcie. — Ha ! wishkey's the blood of the bowld Feni- 
anP ! Whoo ! hurroo ! for O'Mahony, the hid 
cintre ! 

Aileen.— [Rising from the coal-hole,] Whist ! Mickie ! 
an' is the dirty Ditchman gone ! 

iUfzcHe- ^Bedad ! yer a Wanus risin' out of the say. 

Aileen.— Has the villain gone ! 

Mickie.— A.i]eer\, mavourneen, ye're as rosy as the morn. 

Aileen.— The dirty divil of a Ditchman, Major Bopp, 
where is he, ye spalpeen ? 

3Iickie.—ln purgatory, ye jewel ye, if he's had bis 
dues ! And perhaps further down— in Washing- 
ton, darlint ! [Ktieels and offers to kiss her.] 



AiUen.—K\ ye're jokin', Mickie, ye're jokin'. 
Enter Steve, blowing tin horn. 

Steve,— Rjvly'^ yer Saddle-Rocks and Shrewsburies ! 
Have some nice fresh oysters, Lyar ? 

Mickie — Clear out 'o this, ye native-born Amirikin ! ye 
wooly-haired Caucasian ! ye crow-heeled Irishman ! 
[Drives Steve out.^ Aileen, my darlint, that's my 
brither -we're a pair cf twins, both of us. 

Aileen. — Ye're the divil's own imp thin. 

Mickie — Hold here yer rosy chayks at any rate ! Ha ! 
ye look like a bloomin' rose at midnight. [^Kisses 
her.~\ 

Re-enter George Lackland. 

Lackl. — '0 love, fire ! once he drew 

With one long kiss my whole soul through 
My lips, as sunlight drinketh dew.' 

3Iickie. — The divil ye say. 

Lackl. — 'Be sober, be vigilant; because your adver- 
sary, the Devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, 
seeking whom he may devour.' 

Aileen. — \_Slirieking .'] Och ! Mickie, dear, its the crazy 
cove ! Come ! come ! my darlint, its the crazy 
cove ! [Mickie struggles, hut Aileen pulls him 
along with her into the coal-hole.^ 

Laekl. — \_Scraping with his toe Mickie s hoots ivhich 
protrude from the hole,'] *■ The age is grown so 
picked, that the toe of the peasant comes so near 
the heel of the courtier, [courter'] he galls his kibe.' 

Mickie— K\\Qew J ye divil, let me be afther him. 

Aileen. — Its murther, Mickie, murther ! 

Re-enter Major Bopp, ivith a hrick in his hand. 

Maj. B. — Tunner und plitzen ! I ish a prave man, und 
I schlaght her on de kopf mit der shtein ! [_Sees 
3Iickie's hoots.'] Put Oh, mine faderland ! wash ish 
dat ! Dis Irish frau vear boots, O mine gott ! 

Z^ckl. — ' The combat deepens. On, ye brave, 
Whp rush to glory, or the grave.' 



Mickie. — 'Bj the powers ! Aileen, let me go ! It's the 
villain Ditchman ! Whoo ! here's sedition ! see 
the Feuian uprisin'. \_Emerges feet for emost.~\ 

Lackl. — ' Hang out your banners on the outward walls ; 
The cry is still, They come !' 

Maj. B. — mine gott ! wash ish de matter mit me now! 

Miclcie. — Mather! I'd be afther weltin' ye till yer 
mither wouldn't know yes from a puddin, ye dirty 
Schwope. \_MicMe tumbles the Cferman ahout.'] 

Aileen. — [^Rising from the hole.'] Aye! give it to him, 
Mickie, the Ditch blackguard.— Och ! ye rantin' 
crazy cove, ye'd shcare the life out of a skiliton 
ye would. 

Maj. B. — Tunner und blitzen, wash ish der matter ! 

Lackl. — • Lay on, Macduff; 

And damn'd be he that first cries. Hold, enough !' 
\_MicMe throws Maj. B. on his hach.] 

Re-enter Dr. and Mrs. Squirm. 

Br. Squ.—- Ho ! ho I I command you to keep the peace ! 
Lachl. — ' Peace, peace ; when there is no peace.' 
Aileen — Welt on, Mickie ! Ic's not every day you can 

bate a Ditchman. 
Dr. Squ. — What ! ho ! another explosion of nitro-glyc- 

erine ! — Mickie, you rebellious filial descendant of 

Hibernia, depart ! I reiterate, depart ! 
Mickie — Just one more strike at the vagabond ? Exit. 
31aj. B. — Ah mine faderland, wash feylt ! wash feylt ! 

[i?is<?s.] 
31rs. Squ — Goodness-gracious ! ^sculapius ! It's Major 

Bopp, the German Count, the lover of my daughter 

Flirtina. 
Aileen. — A low-bred blackguard, may it playse yer 

worship, JSxit through coal-hole. 

Maj. B. — Gott in himmel ! I ish demoralised und bC' 
witched ! Bewitched ! bewitched ! 

Lackl. — 'My voice is still for war. 

Gods ! can a Roman Senate long debate 
Which of the two to choose, slavery or death ?' 



9 



Mrs. Squ. — Ah, my dear, this is the crazy cove wat 
spouts — a fit object for my comnaendable charity. 

Dr. Squ —A fit subject for the trichiniasis or cholera 
to attack. 

3Irs. aS'^/?*.— Unfortunate being, except this Hebrew 
tract. Ah, charity is a great virtue 1 [ Writes in 
note-book.l 

Dr. Squ. — And here is a box of my Patent Pest Purge 
Pills. If you should be attacked by trichiniasis or 
cholera, taken according to printed directions accom- 
panying each box, they will work an instantaneous 
and efl'ectual cure. Ah, yes, as I remark in the pro- 
legomenon to my Epistle on Epidemics, \_.Reads^ a 
celebrated physician should relieve the poor gratuit- 
ously. 

Lackl. ' Take physic, pomp ; 

Expose thyself to feel what wretches feel.' 
' Throw physic to the dogs— I'll none of it.' 

\_T]iroivs doionthe jnllsand tract and exit.'] 

Dr. Squ. — What total depravity! — But — why, Amelia 
dear, what are you employed at ? 

3frs Squ.— Why ^sculapius, making a note of our 
unexampled philanthropic generosity for the Boston 
Journals. It may help my appropriation, dear. 

Dr. Squ. — But be good enough, dear, to omit the re- 
sults. Conie. Exewit. 

Aileen.-^\_Rising from coal-hole] Ha ! ye stingy Yan- 
kees ! Ye'd covet the coppers on yer dead grand- 
mither's eyes, an' boast in the newspapers of yer 
liberality at her wake ! An' ye put yer fut in a 
sfcwate row, ye did, ye dirty divils, ye ! [Pulls gra- 
ting over the hole as .she disappears.] 

SCENE II. Heidelberg's room. Public documents, 
seeds, papers, tj-c, in p>ro- and con-fusion. 

Enter Hon. Heidelberg. 

Hon. H. —There are two kinds of dogs in my new 
system — 
Four-legged dogs, which have the forms of dogs 
But lead the lives of human beings ; and 



10 

Two-legged dogs, which have the forms of men 
But lead the lives of dogs. These class all dogs. 
The first includes the mongrel, whelp, and cur ; 
The next, the dog nam'd Legion and — myself, 
The Honorable Gotlieb Heidelberg. [G-ets bottle 

of tvlmkey from behind docmjients, and jjours out a 

drink.'] 

To oil the wheels of my philosophy. [Drinks.'] 

I thought I'd come to Congress to survey 

This continent from Maine to Oregon ; 

To make the laws for the United States ; 

To turn the bloody torrent of a war 

Into the head-race of the mill of peace 

To grind the bread-flour of posperity 

And happiness for unborn generations ! 

To have my eye of thought ou thirty millions — , 

Zounds ! as for contemplating thirty millions, 

I have not time enough to shave myself 

In looking for the petty interests 

' Of thirty individuals ! Poor dog ! 

[Pours out another drink.] 
'Twill drown the grating of my collar, 
And clanking of my dog-chain in my kenneh 

[Brinks.] 
I'll see now what my masters bid me do. 

[ Unties his bundle, red-tape, ^c] 

Enter Mrs. Heidelberg. 

Mrs. H. — Why, Gotly, las a me ! you've got the dumps ; 
you've got the blues. You look as if a big June 
flood was washin' 'way your water-million patch and 
you could'nt save it ! 

Hon. H.~ Dumps ? blues ? No. Sarah Jane, sit down. 
Your husband's a dog. [Reads his letters.] 

Mrs. H. — A dog?— a Member of Congress, the Hon. 
Gotlieb Heidelberg, who made his half a million in 
two months at Pithole. My husband has an 'Hon- 
orable ' to his name ! Think of it ! That's what it 
is to be a Member of Congress ! 

JSnter AlLEEN. 

Aileen. — An' it's here's a bit of pasteboard foor the 
Honorable Mrs. Heidelberg. 



11 

iHfrs- H. —Las a me ! that's myself ! How nice ! 

Aileen. — The impudent Hinglish vagabond, yer lady- 
ship, gave it to me, he did. 

Mrs. H.—The idea ! Aileen ! And call the English 
lord, that's in love with my daughter Lenore, a vag- 
abond ? How dare you ? 

£[o7i. IT. — You are in the right, Aileen. With his 
hopewas, weceptions, juleps hof peppewmint, cwo- 
quet, — thunder, he would drive me mad in ten 
minutes ! Aileen, tell him, to clear out ! 

3Irs. H. — Just like you, you old fogy ! you country 
'squire ! — Aileen, show the English lord into the 
room. 

Aileen. — I will, yer ladyship. 

3Irs. II. — And then, Aileen, inform my daughter Le- 
nore, that her ladyship, her mother, is desirous of 
seeing her in her father's study. 

Aileen. — Yis, yia, yer ladyship. Exit. 

Hon. H. — I suppose now I must pull up stakes too. 

Exit. 

Mrs. II.— Yes, go I And I'll warrant you'll be around 
here at Whitney's sucking brandy-cocktails through 
a straw ! — But ah, the English lord is coming ! Las 
a me ! I feel so nervous ! Think of it ! in love with 
my daughter ! She must have him and be an English 
lady! Think of it! 

Enter Sm Heney Howard. 

Hotvd. — Ah, Mrs. 'Eidelbewg, hi'm pewfectly 'appy to 
see you. 

31rs. H. — Las a me ! Mr. Howard, you are so polite. 
Won't you take this chair ? 

Eowd. — Ah, thank you. hi sincewely pway that Miss 
Lenowe is hextwemely well ? 

3Ir8. H. — She is, your lordship. Yes, las a me ! she'll 
be here in a minute and you will see. — But Mr. How- 
ard, I heard to-day you were engaged ? 

Hoivd. — Hengaged ! — to 'om, pway ? 

Mrs, JT.-' Why, las a me ! to Miss Flirtina Squirm. 



12 



Iloivd. — 'Ow pewfectly habsuTvd ! [^s?'(7c] Hegaa . lut s 

twue ! 
3Irs. H. — The idea ! Of course 'I didn't believe it ! 

Why, she's nothing but a doctor's daughter! 

Howd. — Hit wounds my honovv to be hassociatcd with 
'er. 

Enter Lenore. 

' Ah, Miss Lenowe, youw pwesenco pewfectly delights 
me. 
Lenore. — Good evening, ]\Ir. Howard. 

Hoivd. — Ah, midame, can hi beg to 'ave the honow 
and 'iippiness of hescowtiiig youw Lidyship hand 
Miss Lenowe to the hopewa to-mowwow night? 

3Irs. II. — Lis a me ! you dear soul ! you can take us 
every night ! you're so j)olite ar.d nice,— las a me! 
let's go to night ? 

Howd — Most 'appy hindeed ; but hi 'ave an hengage- 
ment. 

Mrs. H. — The idea ! Yes — I never thought of that. 
\_Aside to Lenore.'] And Lenore you 'ihall wear 
your new white bonnet! Think of it! an English 
lord in love with you, and going to take us to the 
opera! 

Lenore.— IMother dear, he cannot be in love with me. 
He talks to me only of operas and croquet. 

Mrs. H. — I say he is in love with ynu : And you roust 

marry him. Think of being an English lady ! Think 

of it ! 
Hoivd. — Ah, Miss LenoAve, does not the disagwecable 

fwagwance of these documents pewfectly haflect youw 

newves ? 

3Irs. II. — And, his a me ! there are some of the stink- 
ing books just besides your highness on tlie table! 
The idea ! [ilirs. //. removes the books : findb Hon. 
H's bottle, w/iieh she hides in her chtldng after a great 
deal of tribulation.] Oh, excuse us, Mr. HcwaidV 
Why, las a me ! we'll go into the pal^r The i^ea 
ot bringing an English lord into a Member of Cuu- 
gross's room 1 



13 



IToivd. — Pwepostewous ! pewfectly pwepostewous ! 

3Irs. 11.— ■\_Opens door._ J^xit Howard. 3Irs. H. puts 
bottle doivii] Oh, las a me \ il the English lord had 
seen my liusband's bottle ! —But, come, my daughter. 
Think of marrying this English lord, and being an 
English lady ! That's what it is to be the daughter 
of a. Member of Congress worth half a million ! 

Exit. 
Lenore. — My mother speaks not to her daughter, me, 
But to the lustre of my father's name. 
Which, glancing from his head, hangs over mine 
A spectre angel but a real fiend. — 
honor, clad in robes of brightness, and 
Encircled with the halo of a saint, 
Thou art a demon in thy nakedness ! 
The very breath that breathes thy life of sound 
Is freighted with the death of happiness. 
My mother speaks no; to her daughter, me, 
But to the glitter of my lather's gold 
Which seems to 'twine itself among my locks, 
AnJ courfie the threaded texture of my gown. 
And hang like tinsel'd fringe around my skirt, 
Till, cas'^d in gold, a chrysalid I seem : 
A chrysalid without but v,'orm within — 
Aye, worm that's tortur'd with ichneumon grubs 
Which gnawing at it's vitals make it writhe. 
wealth ! thou art my father's kindest slave. 
Why then a cruel master to his daughter ? 

Exit. 
Be- enter Hox. B[eidelberg. 

Hon. H. — This foppi>h English cockney drives me 
around as if he were indeed a John Bull and I a 
Jack Poodle ! Well, at best, I am a dog ! But I'll 
put a ring in his nose soon, damme ! It's oh. to be 
a Member of Congress ! to have Freedmen's Bureau 
Bills, and Civil Bights Bills dancing 'Ole Virginny 
nebber tire ' through ;your brain all night ! to have 
your radical constituents stamp on your conservative 
breast, and neigh and whinny like a mongrel cross 
between a nigger and a nightmare ! To wake up, 
and then be besioged by office-seekers before you've 
got your breeches on ! To bolt your breakfast next I 



14 



Then to get qualms and a sour stomach ly a Yankee 
doctor's confabulations on trichiniasis and cholera! 
And to have your ears distracted by a philanthropic 
Yankee marm, whc accompanies her Boston lingo on 
the nasal organ ! And then for six hours to hear the 
negro discussed by a pack of blathering fools! — But 
there's some consolation in my ' Old Monongahela.' 
{Looks for his bottle, but cannot find it.'\ Zounds ! 
Sarah Jane's been here ! misery — to be wed to 
thee ! 

Re-enter Aileen. 

Aileen.— An its Dr. Squirai and Mrs. Squirm, that's 
comin' so early at this time o' night. 

Hon. H. — Good heavens ! Aileen ! Tell them I'm in 
bed ! Tell them I've gone to Jerusalem ! Anything, 
Aileen ! Tell them I'm dead, and in Purgatory and 
don't want to awake ! Tell them to clear out, Aileen, 
and don't stand there gaping ! 

Aileen — Gorrah ! ye rant like a Fenian ! 

Eon. H. — Clear out ! clear out ! 

Aileen. — Yis, yis, yer honor. Exit. 

Hon. ZT.— It's enough to make an army chaplain— pray! 
I'll go now to my stall, and halter myself along with a 
nightmare ! Exit. 

SCENE III. Same as Scene I. 

Enter George Lackland. 

iac^?.— This rebel's title haunts me like a fiend ! 
It's staring in each visage that [ see, 
Till mad, I blind my eyes in drink ! but still 
It haunts me in my drunken dreams, a hag 
As curs'd as e'er tormented old Abudah ! 
Why ? why ? I lov'd my father— could he err ? 
I followed"proudly when he led the van. 
I lov'd my State— and could it be deceiv'd ? 
My step was firm to guard its sacred rights. 
But oh, the greater, blacker, damning sin 
Of war against my government blots all 
The merits of those deeds ; that greater crime 



15 

Damns all my former virtues— justly ? Aye.— 
Oh, for a draught of fire to burn my soul 
To hide my mis'ry in the blackeu'd''coal ! 

I]nter from door Hon. and Mrs. Heidelberg and 
Lenore. 

Hon. 5".— It was but yesterday I saw a brother Member 
take a bribe. I felt as if my country was insulted. 
I would have felt more pride to have been but plain 
'Squire Heidelberg than an Honorable Member here. 

Lackl. — 'When vice prevails and impious men bear 
sway, 
The post of honor is a private station,' 

Hon. H. — Ha ! what oracle have we here that answers 

me so pat ? 
Lackl.— ' I am Sir Oracle, 

And when I ope my lips let no dog bark !' 

Miter Major Bopp. 

3Iaj. B.—lln ! mine herr Heidelberg, I meets you now! 
und here ish my papers for you to sign to make me 
ein koornel in der army. 

Hon. H. — I have enquired about you. Major Bopp, and 
all tell me you are a coward and a drunkard. I can- 
not sign your recommendations. 

3ff(j. ^.— Ah, mine gott, wash ish de matter mit me 
now ! Ah, mine herr, do write my papers ! 

Mrs. H. — Why, las a me ! Gotly ! sign his papers ! 
That's what it is te be a member of Congress ! 

Hon. U. — Stand aside — I cannot do it. \_To Lackl.'] Who 
do you say you are, sir ? 

Lackl. — 'I am thy father's spirit.' 

Hon. H. — You are my father's ghost ! As flat a lie as 
e'er I heard ! My father was a Pennsylvania German ! 

Lackl. — ' my prophetic soul ! my uncle !' 

3Irs. H. — Las a me ! 

Aileen. — [Rising through the coal-hole] Whist ! An 
it's a good ear I have foor scintin' a row ! — Aye ! an 
there's the villain of a Pitchman ! [Disappears.] 



16 

Son. II. — How dare you, sir ! Who are you, scoun- 
drel ? 

Lackl. — ' I am his Hio;hness's doo' at Kew ; 
Pray tell me sir, whose dog are you ?' 

Hon. H. — The dog ot my constituents, 'tis true. But 
sir, I'd have you know I say that only I 

3Iaj. B. — [^sitZe] Now ish der time to prove myself a 
prave soltyer; und get mine papers signed ; und be 
ein koornel ! — [Tb Lachl ] Tunner und plitzen ! you 
lyin' rashcal, you insult mine herr Heidelberg, I 
schlaght you on de kopf ! \As lie is about to strike, 
Aileen pulls him by the legs into the coal hole. He 
supports himself, hotvever, with his hands on either 
side of the hole'] Ah, mine gott ! wash ish de matter 
mit me now ! [^Aileen, p)ulling, pulls off his boots'^ 
und, mine faderland, I ish out of my poots ! Ah, 
wash ^ish de matter mit me now ! Bewitched ! be- 
witched ! \^Pulls himself upon the pavement and runs 
awaif.~\ 

Aileen. — \_Rising~\ An' he would be afther strikin' a 
poor crazy man ! But, gorrah, he's made a nate pris- 
int of his boots to Mickie, he has.— Whist ! there's 
my mistress. [D is appears.] 

Hon. H. — Do you see that cane, you rogue ? 

LacM. — ' Is this a dagger which I see before me, 
The handle toward my hand V 

Lenorc. — No ! father do not ! Aileen says he is a crazy 
man! Oh, father do not, I pray you! \_To Lackl.] 
Poor man, 1 pity you. 

Lackl. — ' Pity's akin to love.' 

Mrs. H. — Las a me! the crazy foalis talking love to 
our Lenore! 

Lackl. — ' A child of our grandmother Eve, a female : 
Or, for thy better understanding, a woman,' — 
' I never spent an hour's talk withal.' 

3Irs. //.—Las a me ! 'tis true ! And may she never 
hear your voice agam ! 

Lackl.— ' Cry, ' Sleep no more !' 

Macbeth does murder sleep ! the innocent sleep ; 
Sleep, that knits up the ravell'd sleeve of care.' 



17 

JTori. IT. — He's crazy as a loon ! — See here, my good 
iellow, have you not escaped from the stac^e ? 

LacM. — ' I hold the world but as the world, Gratiano ; 

A stage where every man must play a part, 

And mine a sad one.' 
Lenore. — Poor crazy man, your sad life wrings my heart. 
LacM.— ' 'Twas sad by fits, by starts 'twas wild.' 

Hon. a. — There's wit in all this madness. I think I've 
heard of this queer chap before. iMy good fellow, 
are you not called the crazy cove wat spouts ? 

Lacld. — ' A rose 

By any other name would smell as sweet.' 

Hon. H. — Here, take this money, sir. \_Gives moncy.~\ 
Mrs. H. — And this from me. \_Gives moneij.'] But 
don't you ever speak a word of love to our Lenore 
again ! 
Lenore. — \_Giving Jiiin a dollar biU~\ 

And take, sir this from me. Boor crazy man ! 

Your face with hunger haggard haunts me. 

Gro — buy some bread and meat, but drink no more. 

LacM. — 'When pain and anguish wring the brow 
A ministering angel thou !' 

Exeunt Hon. and Mrs. H. and Lenore. 
*Is this that haughty, gallant, gay Lothario ?' 
Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! 

I laugh — but 'tis the ghastly grinning of 
A skull without a soul to feel it. — But 
'Put money in thy purse.' Ha I ha ! a dime ! 
Another! What is this? a dollar-bill ? 
Hello ! you've made a great mistake here ! ho ! 
She answers not : The money's mine in peace then. 
Who gave it to me 1 — I remember now, 
A lady, one who seem'd to pity me ; 
Who bade me go buy bread and — drink no more. 
Is this a dream ? Where is my memory ? 
My reason ? Am I crazy — mad, indeed! 
Nay ! nay ! a gentle lady pitied me, 
And said my haggard face did haunt her, 
And bade me, go buy bread, and — drink no more 1 

3 



18 



And— drink no more ! — Aye ! I remember all. 
And Heaven bless thee, kind and gentle lady.— ^ 
Ha ! paper-bill,, though like the shroud of gold^ 
Thy sunny hair'd, and merry laughing brother, 
Who damn'd me once v/ith his great wealth—thou^j 

now, 
The token .of a lady's pity for me, 
Thou shalt redeem me from my misery! 
I'll drink no more ! no more ! This madman's mask. 
And crazy actor's garb and speech, I'll doff! 
And if a rebel to my country once, 
A life's devotion to t|ie Union now 
I offer in atonement for my crime. 
Accept it, great and gen'rous governmeiit. 
And blot the title ^ Rebel ' from my name ! 
And Heaven bless thee ! — Aye ; and thou, kincj 

one, 
Thou savior of an outcast, crazy man, 
May Heaven bless the.e — is my consta?it prayer I 

Exit 



A-CT II. 

■SCENE I. The ^Senate steps. Lackland discovered 
disguised as an old pian .aged about sixty. 

Lackl. — We're titled then according to our coats. 

'Tis well. And thanks ; for now this old man's 

garb 
Has rid me of the name of 'crazy cove,' 
As that base titled clos'd my ears against 
The shrill death rattle of a rebel's name. — 
gentle lady, whosoe'er thou art. 
Who sav'd me from a crazy rebel's grave, 
May Heaven picture all its happiness 
On every page of life thou turns't below. — - 



19 



madness damn'd to blur all recollection? 
Of my preserver from my memory 1 

Mnter HoArARD, — doivii the steps'. 

aoivd. — ^Whewe can I find the cwazy cove v/at spouts? 

'E did wecite v/ith most hexquisite tone. 

hi wish I could wecite so to LenoTve. 

'Tis pcetwy that suits my twagic voice. 

Lenowe, too, says she loves good poetwy. 

hi'd 'ave 'er 'all a million then suwe pop. 

My money's neawjy hout, hand bills crowd hin ;■ 

hi must this giwl band 'alf a million vin. 

'Twould be womantic, too, in twrrgic wewse, 

Hat once to vin a vife hand fill my puwse. — ■ 

Good mowwow, stwangew. 
Lachl. —Good moraing, sir. 
Hoivd. — hi twust you know the'cwazy cove wat spoutsr 

hi wondew whewe the CAvazy fool 'as gone ? 

Lachl. — The crazy cove has' not been recogniz'd 

Within the past five days. What would you with 
him ?■ 
Hoivd.-^ My deaw sivf, his that youw's how foy business? 
Lackl. —Ah, pardon me. I was too curious. 

Howd. — Ah, yes, most cewtairily. I condescend.-^ 
Hit stwikes me 'e was wewy stwange. 
'E could wecite with most hexquisito tone. 
'Is waving wewses, too, weWe a jJioopos. — - 
hi feaw hl'm hunintelligible to 
The vulgaAT poow. hi'll condescend hagain. — 
'Is waving speech was haiways to the point. 

JLa'cM.— It seems his madness was quite strange, indeed. 
ITotvd.-^ Ah, wewy stwange. 

Lachl. — But could you tell me, sir,- 

Where I might possibly get work to-day ? 

Howd. — The pinnacle hof viilgah bimpudence I 
Vat ! do you think a common newsboy hl'm 
To peddle wound the wants hof all the poow ? 

Lachl. — -Ah, no. I thought you were a gentleman. 

Hoivd. — Wemembew, hinsolence, to 'om you speak ! 
Hegad ! dawe not to speak- th-ose wowds hagain ! 



20 



Lachl. — I thought you were a gentleman. 

Hoivd. — Hegad ! 

Hand am I not a gentleman ? ha lowd ? 

Hegad ! hold man, 'tis well you do wetwact : 

My hanger might 'ave made mo stwike you down. 

Hegad ! my Henglish blood boils hat an hinsult. 

hi might 'av stwuck you dead wight hen the spot ! 

Lacld. — You might — 'potentia remotissima. 
Hoivd. — hi might! hand wat? Hegad ! 

JLacM. — 'Twas a jyropos. — 

I fear I'm unintelligible to 

The vulgar rich. Now I'll descend. You might — 
A possibility the most remote. 

Hoivd. — Hegad ! hold man ! hand mock ha noble lowd! 

Hand 'twewe not fow youw haged, 'oary locks, 

hl'd 

LacTd. — Be more courteous to at least your equals. 

Howd.— hVd stwike 

Lacld. Or be struck most assuredly 

If I could deign to strike so mean a fool. 
Ilowd. — Hegad ! hand call me fool, old man ? 
LacTd. — Yea ; fool. 

Hoivd. — Parbleu ! hi'll call the Capitol police ! 
LacM. — But dare to cry ! I'd strangle you, by Heaven! 

\Lackl.., cool up to this time, now madhj clutches 

MowarcVs throat.'] 

Hoivd. — hi would not cwy hout fow the wowld. Vj, 
siw, 
To cwy, hl'd look just like ha pewfect fwight ! 
Besides, my woice is twagic bass. Vy, siw, 
hl'd scvveech to stwike ha cleaw sophwano note. 
Besides— vy, siw — [Lacld. pushes him away] 

Yes ; hi wemembew now 
hl^ 'ave, siw, an hengagement for this houw. 
Most 'appy to 'ave met you 'ere to-day ; 
hi twust you'll pawdon my habwupt depawtuwe. 

Exit. 
LacTd. — A sudden fear my hidden strength reveal'd. 
'Twere death mayhap to have my mask torn oflf ! 
No name — no money— friends — not e'en a tale I 



21 

And sucli a man in this old man's apparel ! 
A burglar ? robber ? murderer ? assassin ? 
Suspicion's howl might wake my sleeping madness! 
And then— rage of miseries infernal ! 
Then death were blest relief for mj great pain !— 
An Englishman ? The very name stirs up 
A lion in the jungle of my blood ! — 
To find work and my benefactress now — 
But where ? I know not. Heaven direct my steps. 

Exit: 
SCENE II. A hall in Dr. Squirm's house. 

Unter Dr. and Mrs. Squirm, Flirtina, Mickie, and 

Major Bopp folloiving. 
3Iaj. B. — Ah, won't you hear mine case ! 
Flirtina. — If it's your coffin, yes. But I tell you I am 

engaged to Sir Henry Howard— so, go ! 
Dr. Squ. — Importunate {^Loohs in his hooJc] Allemanic 

refugee, you are as great a plague as the rinderpest ! 

Depart ! 

Mrs. jSqu.— Yon should have expended your money in 
some philanthropic distribution of Hebrew tracts 
among our poor colored brethering ! [Aside^ That 
rebuke for the welfare of suffering humanity must be 
published in the Boston Journals. [ Writes in her 
note-book.^ 

JExeimt Dr. and Mrs. Squ. and Flirtina. 

Maj. ^.— Ah, mine gott ! wash ish de matter mit me ! 

Mickie. — [^Touching Mm on the shoulder'] The tap o' the 
mornin' to you, Major. 

Maj. B.—h.\ mine faderland, wash ish de matter mit 
me now ! 

Mickie. — [Pointing to his hoots'] Don't you ricognize 
yer owld frinds ? Aileen, my darlint, has a head 
that dosn't forgit her Mickie's fut ! 

Maj.^ -S.— Tunner und plitzen ! de English coward mit 
mine Flirtina ish shtanding in mine shoes, und dis 
Irish vagabond ish shtanding in mine poots ! 

Mickie.— A\sy ! be aisy, ye divil ye ! Ye say yer owld 
frinds, do ye ? An' they'll be afther faylin''foor the 
brass buttons on yer coat-tail, if you don't mind that ! 



22 

Maj. B. — Oh, mine gott ! I ish bewitehed und demoral- 
ized ! All ! bewitched ! bewitched ! Exii. 

Mickie. — [Kicking after hivi] Gorray ! but I'm achin' 
to bate the villain ! Whoo ! — Aye ! but it's the 
divil's own place is Washington, it is. My masther 
readin' Greek ; my misthress writin' an' scatterin' 
bits o' paper J^ among the naygers ; an' both of thim- 
runnin' night an' day afther Congrishmin : Miss 
riirtina in histerics and opera all night and shnorin' 
all day. Thin there's Englishmin, an' dirty Ditch- 
min, an' Jews, an' Senators, an' Indians, an' Fe- 
nians, an' the divil knows what ither denominations, 
all piled togither like so many bits o' dog-meat in a 
Ditchman's sausage. Aye! begab! I forgot the 
naygers. There's some naygers in Washington. — 
There's a shprinklin of the black Fenians in Washing- 
ton, begab, there is. Uxit. 

SCENE III. Seidelhenj 8 ijaflor. Hon. and Mrs. 
H., Lenore, and Howard discovered. 

Son. H. — Ah, Sarah Jane, I'm work'd like a hired 
inule in harvest ! 

3Irs. H. — Las a me ! Gotly ! don't work so hard ! don't 
worry yourself so much ! You're getting to be as 
cross and surly as a bear ! Why don't ycu put your 
hands in your pockets, and talk about nothing but 
the poor negro ! That's what it is to be a Member of 
Congress ! 

Enter Aileen. 

Aileen. — Faith, yer honor, there's a polite owld gintfe- 
man wantin' woork at the door, there is. 

Son. a. — A polite old gentleman wanting work. Tell 
him to come in, Aileen. 

31rs. iZ".— The idea I Gotly, of bringing a beggar work- 
man into the parlor ! 

Howd. — Pwepostewous ! pewfectly pwepostewous ! 

Hon. H.—l^o more ! Mr. Howard, or I'll veto your gab 

rather roughly. — Aileen, show the gentleman in. 
Aileen.— \ will, yer honor. Exit. 



23 

MrS' ^.-^-Aileen, drive him away ! — Las a me ! Ootlyl 
— And oh, I trust your lordship [to Iloivd.'] will par- 
don my husband's rudeness, jou know he was only 
a country 'squire before he came here. And think of 
it ! he's never had his visiting cards engraved yet ! 

Enter George Lackland. 

LacTd. — Pardon my intrusion. 

Hon. 11. — ^^Come in ! come in, sir, and sit doAvn. 

Ilotvd. — Hegad ! 'e is a feawful despewado ! 'E is a 
wewy dwradful chawactew ! 'E came within the 
most delicate point of thwottling me to-day. 

Hon. H. — Zounds ! I wish he had ! 

Mrs. H — Las a me ! Gotly ! are you crazy ? It's an 
English lord! 

Howd. — hi beg leave to withdwaw. 

Hon. H. — Clear out ! you conceited fop ! 

Exit Howard. 

Mrs. H. — Las a me, Gotly ! you are mad ! You're 
insulting an English lord ! The idea ! — Come, Le- 
nore, come out of the room ! Exit. 

Lenore. — \_To Lacld.'] Do take this chair, and sit up by 
the fire. 
The wind is high to night, and you look cold. 

\_G-ives lihn lier chair. ~\ 

LacM. — I thank you. [Exit Lenore ; hut as she passes 
out, LacJcL recognizes in her the lady tvho had saved 
him'] It is — it is my savior ! God bless thee ! God 
bless thee ! 

Hon. H. — You are indeed a pious man to say ' God bless 
thee ' to that English coxcomb who would have 
wronged you. You seem agitated at the commotion 
your presence has produced. Be seated, sir, it 
amounts to nothing. But I must tell you I am much 
and favorably impressed by the feeling your counte- 
nance and actions betray. Pray sit down. 

Lackl. — Ah, thank you, sir. [Sits doivn.~\ 

Hon. H. — It seems you are seeking work ? 

Lackl. — Yes, sir. 



24 

Hon. H. — And I am mucli in need of a man to help me. 
I am a Member of Congress, and I am worked like a 
dog by my constituents, mailing documents and seeds, 
Avriring letters, running to Departments, and receiving 
delegaiions of bores on all subjects find at all times, 
till I feel myself a dog. Can you do that kind of 
work? 

Lackl. — I believe I can, and have the courage to try. 

Hon. H. — And when could you begin ? 

Laclcl. — At once — I am even now pressed by hunger. 

Hon. H. — Indeed, sir, you look hungry. But stay a 
moment here, and I vail have some food prepared for 
you. Exit. 

LacM. — kind Heaven ! it is my gentle savior ! 
My s )ul seems bursting with its gratitude ! 
happiness supreme, my weaken'd frame 
Is tottering beneath thee as a burden ! 
My ecstacy of bliss is agony ! — 
Hold ! h'lppy man ! one backward step may cast 
You down again, and in an instant span 
The awful gulf that yawns 'tween heaven and hell ! 
And this my savior's father ? kind as she ? 
And he will give me work ? a Member's work ? 
•Before high Heaven, I swear, my rebel name 
I'll blot in my devotion to the Union! 
Now, born again, I'll live but for my country ! 

Be-enter Hon. Heidelberg. 

Hon. i/".— Come, sir, into the next room, where Aileen 
will give you your supper. 

LacM. — Thank you, kind sir. 

Hon. H. — May I ask you, what is your name ? 

Lachl. — George Lackland. 

"Hon. H. — A broad, honest name. I like its sound. But 
come, Mr. Lackland, and if you do your work well, 
I can give you steady employment for some time to 
come. 

LacM. — I thank you. I will labor hard to please you. 

Exeunt. 



25 



■SCENE rV. A hall in Heidelberg's house. 

Enter HoN. and Mrs. Heibelberg and Howard. 

Eoyi. II. — Now, sir, got out of this house as soon as 
possible, if not, I'll insult you again, but with thia 
■cane across your broadcloth. Clear out ! 

Mrs. Jl.—litis a me ! Gotly ! you're crazy ! 

Jlon. if.— Clear out ! 

3frs. 11. — No, stay ! I beg of you !— Gotly, you are 

mad ! 
Sowd. — Hif I should stwike my 'ead hagainst 'is cane,, 
hid muss my 'air ; hi'd look just like a fwight. 
hi'd hagitate myself and flush my face 
Vic'a makes me look just like a wulgah Gewnian. 
Most 'appy to stay longew — but wemembew 
hi 'ave, siv/, an hengagement fow this houw. 
Hexcuse me, siw, hengagements must be kept. 

Exit. 
Mrs. H. — Goodness-gracious ! Gotly .! Oh, you old fo- 
gy ! Las a me. I the English lord will resent this 
insult ! 
JIo7i. H. — No, my diO^v^ the coward is afraid to resent 
an insult, and the knave cannot afford to make a man 
his enemy, and ho is both. 

Mrs. IT. — Well, just wait, you old fo^y — you country 
'squire, till I get you up stairs ! I'll teach you to in- 
sult ??iy company at any rate! Exit. 

Hon. II. — The fop ! The insolent fop ! As the saying 
is, he gives the old cow a nubbin to kiss the calf. 
But I'll put a scop to that. It's bad enough to be 
the dog of your constituents; but to be badgered by 
this impudent English coxcomb — well, -that's putting 
a tin-kettle to my tail. Exit. 

SCENE V. Heidelberg's document-room. Lackland 
discovet'ed. 

Eacld. —So I can dream now of the go,od Lenore. 
How pure, how gentle, and how innocent! 
Ah, I could love her with a lover's rapture, 

4 



26 



But oh, I love her with a sacred love. 
Oh, could I tell her she had sav'd my life, 
And throw me at her feet in gratefulness ! 
AIhs 1 I cannot I for that instant I am 
No longer the old pious man I seem. 
But a curs'd rebel, outcast, crazy man. 

Miter Lenore.^ 
Lenore. — I hope I'm not intruding. Uncle George ? 

Lackl. — Ah, no, Lenore : my daily work is done. 
But, gentle girl, why call me Uncle George ? 

Lenore. — I have no reason than — 1 felt it, Uncle ! 
You know I'm young and inexperienced ; 
I can confide— advise with nobody ; 
And yau're so good and kind to me always ; 
Then let me call you Uncle, and befriend me ! 

LaeM. — Kind lady, I would do all things for you. 
I would lay down my life for you. which you- 



[u4s/t7c?] My very soul is leaping on my tongue. 
How hard it's then to keep my mouth seal'd up I—. 
No ! death, mayhap, is in discovery ! 

Lenore. — You seem so agitated. Are you sick ? 
Good Uncle, cannot I relieve your paia ? 

LaeM. — 'Twas but a momentary dizziness. 

No, no, sit down, Lenore, and talk to me. 
Lenore. — Good uncle, the confinement weakens you. 

Come walk with me about the park ? I'd like 

To meet again a crazy man I met 

Out on the pavement once. He looked so sad. 

Poor man, he was so haggard and dishearten'd. 

I hope he has quit drinking and recover'd. 
Lackl. — What I do you mean the crazy cove wat spouts? 
Lenore. — The same my father call'd him. I have learn'd 

He has not been about for many days ; 

And all suppose him dead. Poor crazy man. 
LacU.—^o ! no ! God bless you, gentle lady ! No ! 

The crazy man is [JLs2'c?c] She remembers me I 

She pities from her heart the maniac ! 

Oh, could I tell her this old man is he ! 

Oh, could my gratitude find utterance ! 



27 

luenore. — I hope he has not died a crazy man, 
Abhorr'd, an outcast from society. 

Lachl. — No, no I he is not dead. 

Lenore. — You know him then ? 

Lackl. — Know liim ! \_Asido'] Aye ; there's the word I 
I do, Lenore. 
I alsQ know what you have done for him 
And let me thank you for him for his life, 
At least his reason, health, and happiness, 
For you, Lenore, have given all to him. 
Grod bless you, lady, for your Christian kindness ! 

Lenort. — Uncle George, you overpower me ! 

Why, I did naught but what my nature prompted, 
What anybody else had done, good sir. 

Lachl.— vVhat nobody, Lenore, else did for him. 

Lenore. — Where is he now, if I have saved his life ? 

Lacld. — He is — he is — gentle lady — he — 

He's not been seen about his old haunts since 
The morning you redeem' d him from his madness. 
No one knows where he is except himself. 
He sought you, kind Lenore, for many days, 
To throw him at your feet in gratitude. 
His cruel madness had obliterated 
Your name, and all the circumstances, save 
A lady pitied him, and gave him money. 
And bade him, go, buy bread and drink no more- 
God bless you, good Lenore, that sav'd his life. 
A lady pity him a crazy rebel ? 
It woke his sleeping mind, and gave him strength 
To struggle with and overcome his madness. 

Lenore. — I am so happy I have done him good. 
I wish I may eee him again. Poor man ! 
I ever shall remember his sad look. — 
But come, good uncle, let us walk awhile. 
Then tell me more about this crazy man, 
I feel the greatest interest in him. 

Enter Mrs. Heidelberg. 

Mrs. H. — Ah, here you are ! Las a me ! Lenore I 
what talking to your father's old clerk, on whose ac- 



28 



count the English lord was insulted, and driven from 
the house ! The dear soul ! I havn't seen him for a- 
week ! and there's nobody now to take us to the op- 
era ! — The idea ! Lenore I Come out of this room 
immediately. JExit. 

Lenore. — Excuse me, Uncle George. We'll walk again. 

I^xit 

LacM. — Aye ; what a life I've led from infancy, 
iiow many real persons have I been 
In all my masks and characters thro' life : 
A proud and haughty scholar in my youth ; 
An actor in disguise ; a rebel soldier ; 
A cra2ry outcast bawling on the streets ; 
An aged clerk — good Uncle George, till now 
I can but talk about myself as one 
Whom I but knew — a friend, and nothing more. 
Aye, many lives a man may lead in one. — 
And she feel heartfelt interest in me ? 
Lenore, who sav'd my life, and whom I love ? — 
Another charaeter I now assume.. I]xit. 



A.C T I II. 

SCENE I. A Bridge across the Canal. MoonligJit. 

Enter Micsie and Aileen. 

MieMe. — Only a wee dthrop to make me cooragious at 
the wake, to-night. 

Aileen.—Kje, Mickie, yer a man afther my own heart. 

Michie. — So I am, marvoureen ; an' I'd be afther over- 
takin' it soon, too. 

Aileen. — Aye, Mickie, my darlint, — but this is a most 
shtinkin' place. 



■-#v 



29 



llicJcie. — Yer right, Aileen, it is. It's the ragin' ca- 
nawl — the perfumery of Washington — the shwate 
issince exthracted from all trie deatl cats and little 
naygers in the city, tempered with Congressional de- 
bates. Come, come, my darlint, or we'll shmell to- 
morrow like our bathers. JExewnt. 

Enter Major Bopp. 

Maj. B. — Ha ! I ish a prave soltyer ! I shallenge der 
Henglishman, but he ish ein cowart, und nicht fights. 
Mine gott ! ven he pashes dis vay, I vill drown him 
in der mud. Den I vill tell der doctor, I ish a prave 
soltyer, und prove it, by dam ! Und den — Oh, mine 
pelly ish ravisht mit bliss ! 'den I shall vin mine frau- 
line, Miss Flirtina ! [Conceals himself.'] 

Enter Howard. 

Hoivd. — Hegad ! hit stwikes me as a last wesowt, 
hi must the hold 'oss flatteh fow 'is daughtew. 
My hempty puwse 

Maj. Bopp rushes upon him. 

Maj. B. — Cowart ! you ish a deat man ! Ah, mine 
gott, you ish drount in der mud ! Tanner ! I ish as 
prave ash powder ! 

Howd. — Police ! police ! 

\_They tussle — hath crying out.'] 

Re-enter Mickie and Aileen. 

IlicMe. — Whoo ! it's the Ditchman batin' the English- 
man ! 

Aileen. — Gorrah ! this is better fun than a wake ! 

Mickie. — Hurroo ! foor owld Ireland ! 

Maj. B, — Ha ! mine gott ! I drowns you in der mud ! 
[Mickie and Aileen engage in the jight^ and throio 
Maj. B. into the canal. Howd. runs away.] 

Mickie. — He's in his ilimint, darlint, now. 

Aileen. — 'An 'he's got the dint of my shwate fist in his 
lift eye, he has. 



Mickie. — Come, Aileen, or the police will bo afther put- 
tin' us in the inside of the shtone jug. 

Aileen.— ShvLYG I an' I wish thin, we wouldn't find it 
impty. Exeunt. 

Enter Dr. Squirm, tvith a net attached to a j^ole, and a 
bottle to the net. 

I)r. Squ. — As I have remarked in the last chapter of 
my Epistle on Epidemics, the infatuation of science 
discloses all seeming diihculties to be unsubstantial 
nonen- \reads hj the moonlight^ nonentities. I am 
able at midnight to seine this mephicic atmosphere 
in my zeal to secure [reaches his net over the bridge] 
specimens of cholera animalcuhie, which I have de- 
term ■ " Why ! something ponderous is pulling at my 
newly devised instrument ! 

Maj. j5.-*Help! I ish drowndet in de mud ! Oh ! 

Dr. Squ. — Attach yourself permanently, I will exert 
all my physical energy. [Pulls.] 

Enter Mrs. Squirm. 

Mrs. Squ. — Goodness ! iEsculapius ! what are you do- 
ing here at this time ot night ? 

Dr. Squ. — Rescuing a human being from a total sus- 
pension of his vital force by accidental drowning. 
But whither, Amelia, dear, have you been perambu- 
' lating ? 

Mrs. Squ. — Why, ^sculapius ! do you not know I've 
been lecturing to-night on Woman's Rights and Uni- 
versal Suffrage ? 

Maj. ^.— Help ! bull ! bull ! 

Dr. Squ. — Assist me, Amelia. 

[Dr. and Mrs. Squ. pull Maj. B. out.~\ 
Maj. B. — [Who appears covered with mud, old clothes, 

tin cans, oyster shells, ond a horse-collar around his 

neck] Ah, mine gott, wash ish de matter mit me 

now 1 
Mrs. Squ.— Why I ^sculapius ! it's Major Bopp ! — 

My note-book I 



31 

Maj. ^.—Doctor Squirm und Mrs. Squirm ! Ah ! 
vere ish mine Fiirtina now ! Ah, mine gott ! I ish 
bewitched ! J^xit. 

Dr. aS'^w.— Amelia ! this is unmistakably miraculous ! 
Certainly I must incorporate it into the next edition 
of my Epistle ! 

3frs. Sqii. — Let us hurry home. I must write an article 
about it immediately for the periodicals. Exeunt. 

SCENE II. A hall in Seidelbergs house. 

Enter Lenore, ivith a flower in her hand. 

Lenore. — The good old man, how feelingly he talks 
About his friend the crazy cove wat spouts. 
He held this tiny flower in his hand, 
And as he told me of the loves of plants. 
How, though they're separated by wide fields, 
Yet when the busy bee would come to sip 
The nectar hid within their cells t' allure, 

They— poor dumb flowers as I thought them once 

Would hang their pollen love-vows on his thighs 

And make him the unconscious bearer of 

Their mutual secret loves for one another ; 

Thus as he told me of the loves of flowers, 

He interwove so beautiful a tale 

Of the poor crazy rebel for a lady, 

I could have wish'd within my heart t' 'ave been 

The one belov'd myself. He was so good, 

So noble and so kind ; and she so pure 

And innocent, but ignorant of his love, 

Which he for her and his sakes must conceal. 

Oh, how I love to hear the old man talk 

About his friend, who was so heart-broken. 

Oh, can I ever meet a man like him. 

Whose likeness is imprinted in my mind. 

Of whom I think by day and dream by night. 

Good Uncle George, how kind he is to me. 

Enter Hon. Heidelberg. 

Mon. H. — Ha ! ha ! — Whew ! I havn't laughed before 
for a coon's agej 



32 



ijtnoTe. — I am so liappy, father, to see you in a good 
humor again. 

Hon. H. — Ha ! ha ! thank you. You see, Lenore, my 
good clerk has relieved me of my work, so I can talk 
to my friends now. Ha I ha ! and my clever con- 
stituents too have been urging me to make them a 
Buncombe speech ! So, what says my daughter to 
my making a speech? 

Lenore. — If you think you eould do any good for your 
country, you ought to try. 

Mon. H. — Ha ! well, what subject seems to you of the 
greatest importance ? 

Xienore. —The restoration of the good old Union, father? 

Hon. H. — Well said, Lenore ; — and here comes my wife. 

Enter Mrs. Heidelberg. 

Sarah Jane, I am about to make a speech, what do 
say to that ? 
Mrs. H. — Las a me! Gotlyl make 'em a tig one! 
That's what it is to be a Member of Congress ! Give 
it to everybody who dosn't want to make peace, and 
restore our glorious Union !— But, my dearest, you 
won't be angry now, when I tell you I have invited 
the English lord to come up to-night? He is so nice ! 
Las a me ! and, think of it ! an English lord ! 

Hen. H. — ' He is so nice !' Why, I heard him swear a 
profane oath, the last time he was here, in the hear- 
ing of Lenore ! 

Mrs. H. — In French ! — In French, dearest ; and, in 
polite circles, to swear in French is no profanity. 
No. — But, las a me ! Gotly ! make 'em a great big 
speech ! Let 'em know that one and one make two ; 
that the South and the North together make a bigger 
country than when separate, and more secure and 
happy! Las a me ! Gotly! let 'em get married, 
the North and the South, and you be the minister to 
tie the knot. Goodness ! yes ; let 'em get married and 
be as happy as we are, Gotly I— But, my dear, las a 
me ! you won't put the English lord out again — will 
you? when he comes? now, you won't, dear? 

Hon. H. — Why, Sarah Jane ! 



3Irs. IT. — Yes; Gotly ; make 'em a tremendous speech! — 

NoAV, you won't, dear, Avill you? 

Hon. H. — Oh, Sarah Jane, you would make me do any- 
thing. 

3Irs. II. — That's ri^ht, my dear. You're so good. 
Las a me ! Yes, Gotly, make 'em a most tremendous 
speech ! 

Hon. H. — But, Sarah Jane, if I permit Mr. Howard 
to come up here again, you must forgive and he kind 
to my ^clerk, on whose account I druve him awaj. , 

Mrs. H. — Oh, yes. The old man is so good ; and you're 
so good, my dear. Yes, las a me ! we'll compromise. 
Y"es, sir, Gotly, make 'em a most tremendous speech! 

Lenore. — Ah, mother, I am so glad to hear you say you 
will forgive my Uncle George. He is so good and 
kind. If you but knew him, I know you would like 
him so much. 

Mrs. H. — Oh, yes, daughter.-^ Las, yes, Gotly, give it 
to the Secessionists from the Constitution and the 
Laws whoever and wherever they may be ! Yes, las 
a me ! you're so kind ! — But come, my dears, Aileen 
is waiting tea for us. Yes ; — why, here she's coming 
for us. 

Enter Aileen. 
Aileeti. — So I towld thim, and I ax'd thim 



Jlon. H. — Well, -never mind that, Aileeia, but tell us 
who they are ? 

Aileen. — Faith, yer honor, an' who wud be foor shtick- 
in' to yes like a tick but the Yankees ? 

Eon. II. — Dr. Squirm with his treatise on trichiniasisi 
and Mrs. Squirm with her appropriation for her phi- 
lanthropic charity ! heavens ! — Aileen, show 
them into Mr. Lackland's room ; he'll attend to them. 

Aileen. — Yis, yer honor ; an' it were not foor my dar- 
lint Mickie, that's in their imploymint, I'd be afther 
attindin' to thim mysilf, I would. Exit Aileen. 

3Irs. H.—Gome, come, my dears. \_Exit Hon. H.'\ 
Yes, Gotly, make 'em a most tremendous speech ! — 



u 

iGome, Lenore. think of marrying an English lord, 
and being an English lady ! JUxit^ 

f,en.ore. — Alas ! alas ! and does my mother wish 
That I should ever wed this English lord ? — 
My mother make my lite a load of misery ? 
My mQther? No, — she loves her poor Lenore. 

JExit. 

;SiCENE JII. Hqivard's room. Hoivard discovered at 
hi^ toilet with Ms coat off. Writing material on 
table, J-c., c^'c. 

Hoivd. — Clevew chap ! )Vat hingenuity hi am gift,e4 
with ! — No; this hexquisite lilac necktie is a shade too 
delicate fow my vvobust fwame — Wemawked hi, Ma- 
jow Bopp, you labow hundew a feawful misapwe'en- 
'sion, hi am youw best fwiend. Clevew chap ! Sayg 
hi, Majow, you love Miss Fliwtina, hand I can't ha- 
bide 'er ! Says 'e, Wat ! — waitew, lagew-biew fow 
two ! Says hi, julep hof peppewmint fow me, hi 
pewfectly hab'ow blew. Says 'e. Good. — Waitew, 
so ! — Wat a most hexquisite mustache 'ave I ! — says 
hi, hi gives up to you hall my claims hon Mis§ 
Fliwtina. Says 'e, llah ! my habdoman his wavish- 
ed with bliss ! 'Is Avulgawity was pewfectly shocking 
tome! But — clevew chap! — says hi, hi am hen- 
waptuw.ed hof 'Eidelbewg's daughtew. Says 'e, 
Wat ! — Waitew, julep hand lagew-bie^v fow two! — 
Phew ! this night-blooming-ce"ifeus his pewfectly 
hintoxicating ! — Then wemawked hi. But Lenowe 
pwefews to convewse wi,th 'Eidelbewg's hold clewk 'om 
hi can't habide ? Says 'e, with a wulgah hoath, hi 
is a bwave soldiew ! You give me Miss Fliwtina — 
hi kills 'im dead ! Says hi, pewfectly cool hand com- 
posed. No ; you would cewtainly be 'ung fow buw- 
glawy. My legal knowledge pewfectly h astonished 
'im ! Says 'e. So! but hi will scawe 'im bad ! —Wait- 
ew, hanctlief j^lep hand lagew-biew ! — Ha ! clever 
chap ham I ! 'E pays fow my thwee ju.eps ; hi wid 
me of Fliwtina ; 'e'll scawe the hold clewk hinto a 
fit ; hand I vill vin Lenowe suwe pop ! Clevew — 
plevew chap! — Now, hi must pwactiee hon my hode tQ 



Lenowe. — Wat tvvoubles clevew hauthowg 'ave I — lil 
Could not call Lenowe a "wose— ' hegad ! she might 
think hi am a wulgaw gawdenew ! now could hi com- 
j)awe 'er to a buttewfly — hegad ! the name is so feaw- 
fully gweasy ! Hin fact hi could find nothing to suit 
'er pewfectly but to style 'er, the gwace note hin the 
hopewa hof life', the hexquisite note that wavishes 
my soul. \_Ileads before the loolcing -glass] hEffu'lgent 

Cweatuwe, lo ! thou hart the- gwace -\_luioeking 

without^ 'Ow pewfectly d'weadful hit would be to 
meet a wobbew hin dishabille ! [^Lays down ixi-per^ 
jiuts on coaty and gets out pistol] hi could shoot the 
wobbew thwough the doow— but the fwagwance of 
powdew makes me see blood, hand I nevew could ha- 
bide the colow wed but in 'Errnann's' dwess has Me- 
phistophi'les. \^Knoching] hi am so riewvous haftew 
dwinking tea fow suppevv ! 

31icJcie. — IWitJiout^ It's Mickie O'Grady with a lether 
foor your worship. 

Eotvd — Sfcwange 'ow the' happwoach hof wobbews makes' 
me bwave ! [Holds tlie pistol now with a firiii 
hand.] Wewy stwange !■ \_Lays doivn pistol and open^ 
door.] 

Enter Miceie.' 

Hegad ! Mickie, hi came within the fhost delicate' 
point of shooting you thwough the doow fow a wob- 
bew ! 

3Iickie. — With that imptj divil on the table, wud you ? 

Eowd. — Hegad ! hit's loaded with six wounds ! 

Mickie. — It is ! — But here's a lether from Miss Flirtina. 
[Crives Hotvd. the note, and takes up the pistol.] 

Bloivd. — [Redds] My deawest 'Enwy. — PwepOstewous 
fool ! 

Mickie. — Could yer honor be afther payin' nio now the 
fufty cints yer honor promised me and Aileen foor 
reshcuin' yes, and toomblin' the Major into the canaly 
could yes ? 

Hoivd, — You himpudent hirishman, wat hinsult me !■ 



36 

Miclcie. — Aisy now, yer honor. Do you see this divil 
at yer bead I [Pointing tlic ijistol.'] Pay me now the 
fufty cints 1 

Hoivd. — Ha ! the wewolvew his unloaded ! 

Michie. — The d.'vil ye say E But it'll foornish me with 
good shillelah to belt yes over the gab, it will ! Pay 
me the fufty cints ! 

Hotvd. — Ah, Mr. O'Grwa^y, hi am most 'appy to we- 
wawd you. 'Ewe's a do-llaw. [Q-ives money.~\ 

Michie. — Aye; thank yes. I'd toomble the Ditchman 

again for the likes o' this. Good morning to ye, the 

night. 
Hoiod. — Most 'appy to 'ave you call hagain, siw. — But 

Mr. O'Gwady, 'ave the hextweme kindness to we- 

place the pistol hon the table. 
MicMe. — Ah, yis, yer honor. Ha ! ha ! It's loaded 

now, is it, the dirty divil ! 

Sowd. — Ha ! yes ; hit's fweighted with six wounds. 

Michie. — Thank you, yer honor, thin I'll be foor kay- 
pin' the divil till I'm beyant the door. Exit. 

Howd. — Hegad ! 'e might 'ave shot me dead ! Hit was 
a most delicate hescape ! — Hand, zounds! hi am 
hout of puwse a dollaw ! hand my wewolvew gone ! 
Hegad ! hit's a cleaw case of fowgewy ! — No ! — clev- 
ew chap ! — hi 'ave it I hi'll wouse the 'ouse ! Hat- 
tempted hassassination I 'E thought I was ha Sena- 
tow ! Hassassination I Hegad ! hi'll be a mawtyw, 
and make some capital 1 Clevew chap ! ha second 
Wade I Exit. 

SCENE IV. A hall in Heidelberg's Jioiise: 

Enter Hon. Heidelberg and Mrs. HL 

Jlon. H. — But hear me, Sarah Jane. I cannot make a 
Radical speech conscientiously : nor can I make a 
Conservative speech without being eternally damned 
by my constituents. 

Mrs. H. — The idea, Gotly ! Let 'em know you've got 
another damnation beside their's to be afraid of! 



37 



Let 'em know tliat you dare speak right out what 
you feel to be right and for the welfare of your 
country ! Las a me ! let me make it if jou are 
afraid. 

Hon. H. — Why, Sarah Jane, I 

3l7's. H. — Let 'em know who you are I and that you' 
are not afraid to say what you conscientiously be- 
lieve ! That's what it is to be a Member of Congress I 

Hon. H. — Sarah Jane, — over the left ! — Our soldiers 
now have restored the authority and laws ot the Uni- 
ted States ichroughout the South ; but iu the North 
we are engaged in a revolution. Fanatics are under- 
mining the fundamental principles of the Constitution 
by which only we exist as the United States. So if 
I were to make a speech I could but say 

Mrs. H. — Down with all madmen who would meddle with 
the Constitution at this critical time ! "When the South 
hates the North, and the North hates the South, does 
anybody in his sane mind suppose that the agreement 
by which they are hereafter to live in peace, can be 
altered by one or the other party with impunity I 
Las a me ! Gotly! that's the Way to talk, right out as 
if you meant it ! — But, my dear, when I think of it, 
I wish you would give me fifty doilars or so ? won't 
you? 

Ho7i. H. — Why, my dear, but yesterday, I gave you 
seventy-five ! 

Mrs. H. — Well, my dear, you must know this is Wash- 
ington. — Yes, Gotly, let 'em know what it is to be a 
Member of Congress ! not to be afraid ! — Now, won't 
you dear ! just fifty ? 

Enter George Lackland. 

Lachl. — I hope I am not interrupting. 

Hon. H. — Oh, no ! — no interruption, Mr. Lackland. 

Mrs. H. — \_Aside\ I suppose I can. now consider my 
money-cake dough ! 

Lachl. — Sir, knowing that you were about to make a 
speech, and knowing also from our conversations that 
our views coincide about the principal topics of the 



38 

day, to save you the labor, I have written a speech,- 
which I beg leave to submit to you, and if it pleases' 
you, — it is your own. ^Ilands Jiini a roll of jxx^yer.J 

Bon. IT. — Ah, thank yau, Mr. Lackland — a thousand 
thanks. You anticipate me in all my wants. 

Mrs. If. — Yes, las a me ! You are so kind ! No won- 
der daughter loves her Uncle George, you are so 
good and kind. 

LacJcl. — You say, your daughter loves me ? 

Mrs. II. — Why yes, las a me! so she says. You're sa 
good to her ; so happy when you see her ; and al- 
ways teaching her something. Yes, las a me ! she 
thinks all the world of her Untjle George. 

LacM. — It makes me Very happy to hear 3'ou say so. 
[^.s/c?e] Kind heaven can it be I 

Mrs', it. — Yes, so she says, she loves her Uncle Geoi-ge. 
—But, my dear, what is in the speech ? 

IIo7i. II. — Sarah Jane, though I have read but a few 
sentences, I can say it is a wonderful production. — 
Mr. Lackland, your bold appealing devotion to the 
Union, has given me courage for one, and, I warrant, 
it will be applauded by t'he country. 

LacM. — Thanks, kind sir. But in your applause, I will 
take my only reward. I hope you will excuse me..- 

Exit. 

Eon. II. — M.J dear, this old clerk is a very remarkable 
man. But hear me read you the beads of his chap- 
ters 

Mrs. H. — Yes, las a me ! he is a Wonderful man.-^But, 
my dear, I hope you hav'nt forgot the fifty dollars ? 

ilon. II. — l6ut hear how he begins 

Mrs. -S".— Wonderful!— But, my dear, just fifty? 

Hon. II. — And thus he concludes 

Mrs. Z/:— Wonderful ! truly prodigious !--But, my deaf, 

the fifty ? 
Hen. iT.— Oh, Sarah Jane, you'd worry out the nine 

lives of a cat in as muuy minutes. Here, take the 

money. 



39 

3Irs. II. — \_Talcing the moneij] Ah, thank you, — you're 
so kind. — Yes, Gotly! he is a most prodigious man ! 
[-^.si'cZe] What's the use of having patriotism and 
praise if you can't make it pay ? Exit. 

Hon. 11. — He has given me a very "wonderful speech I 
What a noble old clerk I have ! Exit. 

SCENE V. Tlie Terrace on the We^t front of the 
Capitol. After sunset. Music in the distance. 

Enter Howard and Major Bopp. 

3Iaj. B. -0 mine gott, I ish a prave man ! I vill 
fhrow 'im ober dis railing into der yart pelow, und 
smash 'im all into little pits ! Tunner ! I ish prave ! 

Hoivd. — Hegad ! no! Majow ! You must not commit 
buwglawy ; you will be 'ung suwe pop. 

31aj. B. — Den I vill shcare 'im pad ! I vill say, hoU! 
1 ish (!er Secretary of Var ! Tunner! put dat vill 
shcare 'im ! 

Howd. — Yes ; but wemembew, you must not commit 
:buwo'lawj. [They conceal themselves.'] 

Enter Lackland aiid Lenore. 

Zenore. — Oh, tell me more. I drink in every word ; 
But still my soul is thirsting. Pray, go on. 

Lachl— 'Twas here the one-time rebel crazy cove. 
Brought this kind lady whom he so ador'd. 
The sun had set ; and yonder murky stream,— 
As we now see down through this aisle of trees, — 
Reflecting back the colors of the sky, 
Seem'd all of gold — a stream of liquid gold. 
And e'en as now, it was the dusky' gloaming. 
•The air was fragrant with the breath of _ flowers. 
Sweet ipusic too was gliding thro' the air, 
And ever and anon they seem'd to jar — 
The fragrance and the music in mid air — 
As struggling for the belt of greater sweetness. 
Oh, coutd he tell her how he lov'd her, now ! 
Oh, could he tell her how her innocence, 



40 



Her loving gentleness, and purity, 
Had stol'n within the recess of his bosom, 
And of his gratitude to her hid there, 
Carv'd out a r.tatue of the truest love. 
Oh, could he now disclose his love to her ! 
lS!o, no ; he rie'er would see her face again ; 
And, driven from her, die, alone, unknown. 
And she — good lady — stands in silence by, 
And turns a greedy ear to his discourse. 
How little does she dream that he loves her. 

Jjenore. — But, Unele George, what did he say to her ? 

LacJd.— 'No more could he, than I now say to you. 

Lenore^ — Oh, Uncle George, had I but been that lady, 
And e'en as gentle, good, and pure, as she, 
I had risk'd all — my life and fortune — to 
Have had the love of such a noble man. 
Such honest, heartfelt love must prosper well. 
Oh, Uncle dear, had I but been the lady 

Lacld. — God bless you, gentle lady ! you are she ; 
And I, whom you have lov'd as Uncle George, 
Your father's clerk, — I am the crazy cove, 
Whom you have sav'd and whom you've learn'd to 

love. 
And to confess it now to him, himself. \_KneeIs.^ 

Lenore. — Qod save me ! — can it be ! — my Uncle George 
The crazy cove disguis'd ! — and I deceiv'd I — 

XacH.^-No ; God condemn me if I have deceiv'd 
You — I who owe my life to you, Lenore, 
Oh, could I ever wrong — deceive jou? Never ! 

Lenore. — Yes, I have said it, and I felt it, too ; 
I lov'd you as my father's good old clerk ; 
I lov'd you as the crazy cove I sav'd ; 
I'll doubly love you now since you are both. 
O noble George ! 

Howd. and Maj. B. nish upon Lackland. 
Uowd. — Villain ! madman ! 

Maj, ^.— Holt ! you crazy man ! you ish dead ash nits! 
Lenore. — \_Shrieklng~\ May God preserve you ! 

[Faints.'] 



41 

Lachl.— A^yay ! you spawn of hell ! away ! 

\_Tlieii rush together andfiglit'] 

Maj. B.—Oher de railing ! kill 'im deat ! the crazy 
villain ! Smash 'im deat !— Oh, oh, mine gott ! mine 
jzhaw ish proke ! IGfets out of the scuffle^ Mine gott, 
wash ish de matter mit me now ! Ah, mine jzhaw 
ish proke ! Oh, I ish bewitched ! Gott in himmel ! 
bewitched ! und oh, mine jzhaw ! Uxit. 

[LacU. and Howd. ivrestle and tussle for a mo7nenf, 
Laekl then hurls Hoivd. over the railing. Deep 
groans succeed his fall. 

LacU.—K groan !— God, and have I killed the man ! 
\Comes forward^ kneels, and raises Lenore upon his 
]cnee.~\ 

my beloved, fare you well ! farewell ! 
A murderer's deep brand now scars my brow ! 
Farewell, gentle savior of my life ! 
Oh, could she speak, before I leave her here, 
One word!— her voice I ne'er may hear again ! 
Farewell ! my belov'd Lenore, farewell ! 

[Kisses her., as the curtain sIowIt/ falls.'] 



A-OT I V . 

SCENE I. A parlor in Heidelberg s house. 

Hon. and Mrs. Heidelberg and Aileen discovered. 

Aileen. — Ah, who would have thought that the poor 
dear crayther had a heart so overflowin' with love, at 
all, at all ! Poor darlint ! she fioong her arms around 
my neck, and sobbin' as her heart would shplit,— 
Where is my noble George ? Oh, is he safe ? she 
cried. He is, shwate soul, said I— I could not 
shpake at all, at all, foor waypin'. And when, poor 

G 



42 

:tinder 'darlint, sh3 got withia tlie Gonvint walls, s%e 
ishtaggered, and groped about, as if her very silf was 
lost, and she was faylin for it. Ah, poor, dear, Le^ 
nore, — my shwellin', heavin heart is squaysin' out my 
tears for her. 

Mrs. H. — Ah, Gotly dear, choer up ! |The crazy man 
has gone, lie dare not face the warrant for his 
arrest. 'The villain in disguise ! he might have mur- 
dered us all asleep ! — Ah, Aileen, go and see the 
Doctor, and learn how is the English lord's bro k«a 
arm ? Dear soul, to risk his life to rescue my daugh - 
ter from the clutches of a crazy man ! 

_Aileen. — Aye ; he got the divil's owu fall.— Gorrah j 
but the owld man was a laddybuck ! He gave the 
Ditchman a daycent welt across the gob, he did. 

3Its. TI. — The noble German ! to save my daughter's 
honor ! — Go, Aileen, go ! \_Exit Aileen.^ Why, Got- 
ly dear, cheer up ! The crazy rebel's gone^ Le- 
nore wdl soon forget him. 

^Jlon. H. — [ Wlto has been jMcing to and fro.'] Never ! 
iSarah Jane, nor 1 ! 

Mrs. H. —Nonsense ! not forget a raving rebel ! The 

idea ! 
Hon. H. — He may have been a rebel once, but since 

he's been my clerk, a bolder, truer patriot never 

breathed than he. 

Mrs. H. — Yes ; las a me ! he would have carried off 
our daughter ! and what more he would have done, 
he and the devil know. 

Hon. H.— Ah, dear Lenore, that she should ever be 
deceitful to her old father who loves her as his life, 

Mrs. ^.— The idea ! Gotly ! Do you suppose she 
knew that her Uncle George was the crazy rebel ? 
Never ! 

Hon. H. — I hope she did not. 

Mrs. H. — Never !^ Las a me ! never ! The rebel villian 
is the only one that has deceived me ! 

Hon. H.' — He may have been a villain. So much the 
worse for me. Ah, Sarah Jane, do you see that large 



43 

pile of letters ? They are the heartfelt thiinks of my 
eountrymen to me, for his speech. 

3Xrs. H.-~ The idea ! What need you care about that ! 
Las a me ! Gotly ! That's what it is to be a Member 
of Congress, to buy great speeches ready made, and' 
get all the credit for them yourself. 

M&n. H. — Ko, Sarah Jane ! I have some honor left 
How then can I receive the thanks and praises which 
belong to another ? Oh, every man that takes me 
fey the hand to thank me, seems to clutch my' 
very heart. A villian, say you? God, that i 
should rob a poor d-amned villian of the honors which 
might have made himan honest man ! — No ! by heav- 
en ! he was not a villain ! No ! Barah Jane, he was a 
wise and noble patriot, a man of goodness and feel- 
ing. 

Mrs.H.-^Yes ! a good man ! he was taken in the act of 
violating your daughter ! 

lion. 11.-^ Who say go ? 

Mrs. H. — Why, both the English lord and the German, 
count who rescued her. 

Hon. H. — They lie I Damme! they lie ! 

Mrs. H. — They say they'll swear to it on oath. 

Mon. H. — And perjure themselves before both man and' 
God ! No ! Sarah Jane ; read you that speech, and' 
ask yourself then, — Could he, who made it for me,, 
and thereby heralded my humble name throughout 
the country, till I am almost smothered with the con- 
gratulations and blessings of thousands, showered 
upon me, — -could he, who has done this good for me,. 

- then wrong me basely as if he were a fl^nd? No ! no ! 
they lie ! 

Mrs. H. —Las a me ! Gotly ! you're mad ! — You did- 
not say so when we found our daughter swooning in 
the arms of the German count, — her pale, white cheek 
bedaubed with blood which trickled from his mangled 
face ! You did not say he lied, when by the candle 
light flickering wildly, you saw the bloody, grizzly, 
mangled face of the brave rescuer, as he gave to you' 
your daughter — safe ! untouched ! unstained ! You; 



44 



did not say he lied, when — Hark ! a groan ! a dying 
groan ! when down below stretched on some ragged 
rocks we found the bleeding body of the English lord, 
and as we carried him away, his broken arm hung 
loosely down, dragging along the ground, marking 
our track with his warm blood, shed freely to pre- 
serve our daughter from the brutal designs of a crazy 
wretch ! Aye ! you said not then they lied ! No ! 
no ! but when thei^ ghastly wounds were dressed, 
you cried to one, God bless you, sir, you are a noble 
man! and to the other, God be praised; preserver 
of my daughter's honor ! if worthy of you, take her — 
she is yours ! Aye ; you said not then they lied ! 

Mon. H. — They lie! Damme! they lie, — else my 
daughter lies in every word and act ! And oil, when 
I believe Lenoreis false, my soul be damned in deep- 
est hell. She loves my good old clerk — he cannot be 
a villain ! She pleads for him — he never could have 
wronged her ! 

Mrs. H. — Infatuation ! Gotly ! Las a me ! she's young 
— knows nothing of the world— is innocent— and now 
deceived. Infatuation, Gotly, nothing more ! — Ah, 
here's Aileen. 

Re-Enter Aileen. 

How is the noble rescuer of my daughter ? 

Hon. H. — Ah, dear Lenore !— Heavens ! — was it revenge 
in him ! I stole my old clerk's honors ! Would he 
avenge him them upon my only daughter ! My 
brain's on fire ! My heart is wrung ! God, am I 
the guilty one ! Exit. 

Mrs. H. — Las a me ! the old fool !— But, Aileen, how 
is the English lord feeling to-day ? 

Aileen.~Beih.eY, yer ladyship, bother. He has his arm 
shplintered and about his neck in a shling. And Dr. 
Squirm is there, he is ; an' he said it is a clear case 
of cholera. An' Mrs. Squirm is there, an' readin' a 
Greek paper to him. An' Miss Flirtina is there, an' 
bawlin' an' goin' on about the English lord as 

Mrs. IT.— The idea! the jealous thing! Hold! Ai- 
leen ; or you'll drive me mad ! The jealous thing ! 
Las a me ! Come ! -. Exeunt. 



45 



SCENE II. A hall in Heidelberg's house. 

filter Howard, with arm in sling, and Major Bopp,. 
with patch on chin. 

3Iaj. B. — Ha ! ha ! it isli pully ! pully ike ! 

Hoivd. — Ha ! — You see my hassassination pwoject 
didn't succeed. They awe too common in Washing- 
ton. Then my hode, hundew the ciwcumstances, vas 
not — hof couwse could not be hexpected to be hap- 
pweeiated. Then fowtune favowed us 

3faj. B. — Yaw ! proke your arm ! und proke mine 

jzhaw ! 
Moivd. — Hegad ! Wat ! Do you get the colonelcy fwom 

'Eidelbewg few that ? Do younotvin Miss Fliw^tina 

new? 
31aj. B. — Ho! — Yaw ! Ha ! mine pelly ish ravisht mit 

bliss ! 
Howd. — Hand if I 'ave my harm bwoke, vill hit not 

wecovew ? Hand do I not get Lenowe now, hand 'er 

'alf a million ? eh ? — But Majow, hit stwikesme Miss 

Lenowe hexpects to meet the cwazy man hagain. 

Maj. B. — Mine gott, what foor den you not let me kill 

'im? eh? 
Howd. — Ha! tut hi 'ave a pAVoject; we'll kill ''em 

now ! 
Maj. B. — Tunner ! ish he here ! Oh, mine gott, wash 

ish de matter mit me now ! 
Jlowd. — IIskl you do not hundewstand. 

3faj. B. — G-ott in hiramel, vere ish he7 Let me at 'im ! 
Tunner ! I ish prave ash powder ! I kills 'im dead, 
py dam ! 

Eoivd. — Ha ! you do not compwe'end. 

Maj. B. — Yaw ; I nichts furstay ; aber I ish prave ash 

pully ! 
Howd. — You see, Majow, 'e his a cwazy man. 
3Iaj. 5.— Yaw ! goot ! 
Hoiod. — Hand hundew the hexcitement, and suftewing 



fwom the wounds he weceived- 



46 

Maj. B. — Mine goti ! how I did eiit 'eni pad i 

Howd. — Yes ; you told 'im you vewe the Secwetawy of 

Vaw? 
3Iaj. B. — Nay ! nay ! none of dat — no jzhoking, toy 

goot friend ! 

Howd. — Ah, pawdon me. — You see, 'e 'as gone mad 
hagain, hand dwown'd, 'imself. 

Maj. B. — In de canal ? in de mud ? — Pooh ! Tunner 
und blitzen, I shraells pad yet ! — Put did he kill 'im- 
self ? He wash afeart of me, py dam' ! 

ITowd. — Ha! you do not hundewstand. 'E his not dead^ 
but hi vill Avite hit so — eh ? 'Ere take this papew, 
hand give hit to the pwintew, had tell 'im to publish 
hit hin to-saowwow's Chwoniclc — eh? \_Gfives paper^ 
Hand ven she sees that 'e his dwown'd, she vill cwy 
no doubt haftew the most happwoved Pawis style, but 
haftew that 

3laj. B. — You ish a prave man ! She will den be your 
frau ! F<rit. 

Iloivd. — Clevew — clevew chap ! hi was bown to be ha 
speculatow in boil, hor a hawmy cowwespondent ! 

Entei' Mrs. Heidelberg. 

Mrs. II. — Las a me I has the German count gone al- 
ready ? 

Howd. — Ah, yes; 'e 'ad an hengagement. 

ilirs. H. — Well, never mind. — Ah dear soul, that you 
should risk your precious life to save my dear Le- 
nore ! 

IIovkI. — Ah, thank you, — But hi am in a mostcwitical 
condition now. 

3Irs. H. — Ah, yes, dear soul ; and how my daughter 
ought to love her rescuer — you were so brave.— But, 
las a me ! she is still inconsolable about the crazy vil- 
lain who would have robbed her of her honor. The 
Convent walls have not shut out her thoughts about 
him. She even prays to meet him again I The idea ! 

Hoiod. — Nevew ! nevew I — Ah, hi am pewfectly hagita- 
ted ! 



47 

Mrs. J/.— Why, my dear soul, what's the matter witlt 

you? 
ffowd.—Ahl—Vy, don't you know wat 'as 'appened? 

Mrs. H.—has a me ! no ! What ? 

Iloird.— Ah, hit's feawful ! You'll wead hit in the 
newspapew. 

Mrs. II. — Goodness ! what is it ? 

Ilotvd. The cwazy cove, hin a wecmvwence of 'is mad- 
ness, dwown'd 'imself last night hin the Potomac. 

jif^g^ J2.— Las a me ! Poor old man ! I feel so sorry 
for him ! 

IIowd.—^ov{Vfj ? [Aside] Hit stwikes me hi am in a 
box ! 

jfrs. H.—Voor man ! my husband will go mad when he 
hears this. 

JIoiod.—\Ns.i would 'e 'ave done if the cwazy man had 
killed me y/en hi wescued 'is daughtew fwom 'is bwu- 
tal gwasp ?— eh ? Wemerabew, 'e bwoke my wight 
hawm ! Sowwy few the cwazy villain ?— eh ? He- 
gad ! hi 'ad not wisked my life if 

Mrs. H.—O noble sir, don't bo offended ! Las a me ! I 
am not sorry for the crazy man ! 

ffoivd.-ANemembQ^, hi am in a pewfectly dangewous 
condition, hand I cannot be hexcited. 

^rs. H.—Oh, yes, dear soul.— Las a mo ! I am so glad 
he's drowned himself. Lenore will soon forget him 
now, and love you all the more. Las, yes, let us 
go and tell my husband the good news ! 

Hoivd.—No ! no ! hi 'ave a pwoject. Hit must be 
kept a secwet fwom 'im.— You know that fow some 
hunaccountable weason, Mr. 'Eidelbewg does not 
pewfectly love me-- 

jfrs. ^.— The idea ! not love the brave rescuer of his 
daughter ! 

Jloivd.So we must contwive to suwpwise them hat the 
same time. Then youw 'usband^ will say, 'Is guilty 
conscience made 'im commit suicide. Then Lenowe 
will doubtless cwy a little. But 'er lathew will say to 



48 



'er, Mj daughtcw deaw, the villain his dead ; but 'ere 
is the noble man 'o saved youw honow, Siw 'Enwy 
'Owawd, let 'is wewawd be youw 'and hand 'eart this 
wewy day — eh ? 

Mrs. II. — Las a me ! dear soul ! You are so noble and 
nice ! Ah, yes ; you have my consent already ! 

Hoivd. — \_Aside] Clevew chap ! — \_Sig]iin(f\ Ah ! ah ! 

Mrs. II. — Goodness ! we'll tell her to-morrow ! — Why, 
what's the matter? 

Howd, — hi am so newvous ! Wemembew my cwitical 
condition ! — Ah, hi must go to-mowwow to Baltiraowe 
hon banking business. You know since my hawm is 
bwoke hi connot sign my dwafts ; hand in my hanx- 
iety fow my hadowable Lenowe, hi 'ave become pew- 
fectly hembawwassed. Ah! hi must wepay you, hi 
am hundew so many hobligations fow the last fifty — 

Mrs. H. — Las a me ! never mind that ! — And goodness ! 
you can't go to Baltimore to-morrow with your arm 
broken, and delay your marriage Avith my daughter ! 
The idea ! — Las a me ! here's a fifty dollar bill and 
if that [^Crives him 7noneif\ won't relieve you — What, 
the savior of my daughter want money ? Come in 
to my husband, and he will give you another fifty? 
Come, dear soul ! 

Hoiod. — Ah, thank you; most 'appy. — [^s«:?e] hi wath- 
ew think hi 'ave no hothew hengagement now. 

Mrs. II. — Las a me ! my son-in-law, an English lord, 
want money ? Come. Exeunt. 

SCENE III. A room in a Convent. Lenore discov- 
ered sad and pale. 

Lenore. — No ! no ! my father and my mother love mo. 
They cannot then be cruel to me — No. 
But why — why am I hid within these walls ? 
Why am I separated from their loves 
In this my hour of deepest misery ? 
And oh, why am I torn from my dear George ? 
Alas ! why do they treat me thus ? 1 know not I 

Enter Hon. and Mrs. Heidelberg and Howard. 

Mrs. H. — Lenore, my child, — what, weeping yet ! 



49 



Hon. II. — My daughter dear, come to my arms. 

Lenore. — My father and my motber ! 

\_Thei/ embrace in turn.l 

Hon. II. — All, Lenore, I had hopes to find you happier 
to-day. 

Mrs. H. — Las a me ! she'll soon be happy. — But Le- 
nore, here's your brave rescuer, welcome him. 

Hoivd. — Ah, Miss Lenowe, hi am most 'appy to see you 
hagain. Hit was ha feawfully despewate attack ! 

Lenore.— {Bows to ldm.'\ [Aside'] Alas ! what do they 

mean ! 
Mrs. II. — Las a me ! it was a terrible assault. — But 

\to Hoiud.'] dear soul, tell her now the good news. 

Lenore. — And is my noble George both well and safe ? 
Oh mother where is he ? Oh, is he here ? 
And can I see him ? Oh, I'm happy now ! 

Mrs. iZ".— The idea ! Lenore ! What, talk thus about 

the villain ! 
Lenore. — mother, if you love me, say not so ; ^ 
•You pierce me to the heart to call him villain. 

3Irs. 11. —Ah, daughter dear, I would not wound your 
feelings for the world. Forgive me, dear. 

Lenore.— Then tell me, mother, what's the news ? 
Oh, is he well and safe ? Pray God he is ! 

3Irs. H. — Alas ! Lenore, I cannot— I cannot. [ Weep- 
ing.] 
Lenore.— Kind Heaven assist me now ! my fears [re- 
double. 
And crowd, and trample down my struggling hope!- 
father, tell your daughter, what means this ? 
Oh, tell me the good news my mother speaks of? 
jc^5,2,. //.—Alas ! Lenore, I have no news of him.— But 
come to me, my dear. Why do you love this man ? 

Lenore.— 1 know my father loves his poor Lenore, 
And cannot then be cruel or unkind to her, 
But asks her from his heart to tell him all ? 

Hon. H,—l do, Lenore. 



m 

X^enore. — Well, father dear, he is, as 'twe^-e my child 5 
His life I gave him, as you gave me mine ; 
I love him then as yoa love your Lenore. 
He then in guise of your old, honest clerk, 
With goodness, kindness, gentleness to all, 
Bid win my love for Mm as Vn<Ae Oeorge. 
Then as he told me of the crazy man, 
(Who was himself though then unknown to me,) 
His checker' d life of misery and bliss. 
And e'en of love for one, who was myself, 
I learn'd to love him as my very life. 
And, father dear, you know his worth and truth. 

ffoix. H- — Aye ; daughter ; I believed him wise an(J 
good, and loved him too. But, they say he would 
have robbed you of your honor ? 

Zienore.> — Have robbed me of my honor ! Who says 

so ? 
Hon. H. — Alas ! darling ; I have heard none say to the 

contrary but myself. 
JjAUore. — Oh, could he, who was love itself to me, 
In ev'ry gentle word and gentler action, 
Who was my father's willing, slaving clerk. 
To thank — to love the savior of his life, 
Oh, could he ever wrong me basely ? Never \ 

Jlon. H. — Alas ! my daughter, I have fears he would, 
I robbed him of his honors— revenge ! — But, O Godj 
why not on me the guilty one ! 

J/rs. JJ.. — Ah, daughter, in your swoon, you did not see 
the frightful, bloody scene ! You could not see the 
madman in the brutal act j 
Jloivd. — 'Ere his a bwoken harm to vitness 'is bloody 

willainy ! 
Xtenore.—My hair with blood was clotted, and my cheek 
Bedaub'd with bloody .drops — aye, all was blood ; 
But that to me was confirmation of 
The love and courage of my Uncle George, 
And not the witness of his villainy. 
No ! no ! My Uncle George, who lov'd me so, 
He could not wrong the innocent Lenore. 
Mrs. H. — Ah, daughter, you are deceived. Infatuatioa 
destroys your reason. 



61 

Sm. H. — Your love for him, like mine, blinds you, liC 
nore. 

Mowd. — Ah, hit was a feawful hencountew ! 'Ad' the 
Gewman coutit hand I- not been within 'eawing, the' 
cwazy wetch 'ad wiolated youw pewson. 

Mrs. IT. — jPhey'll- swea?' ta thi«j. and all the circumstan-- 
ces will confirm their oath. 

Xewore.— God, forgive them' : they speak false of 
him ! — ' 
G father, coaM ar villain most accurs'd 
E'er wrong the savior of his life ? And she 
So innocent as to hang about his neck. 
And wipe away the tear that trickled o'er 
Ilis cheek, when she wouli kiss her Uncle Georgg ? 
N-o ! no ! he could not wrong his lov'd Lenore ! 

Son. H. — Never 1 Lenore, never ! 

Mrs, M,—' Alas I my dears,, you know not what you say t 

Howd.— Hegad ! his this the wewawd fow wisking my 
life, hand 'aving my hawm bwoke ! 

Hon. J&. — But if you^'ve lied in this — damme ! — 

Mrs. jSl-^-Las- a me ! Gotly ! you- are mad ! 

Hoivd. — Hegad ! ham I to be hinsulted ? — ^^Do you not 
know 'e 'as confessed 'is cwrime? 

Hon. if.— Who ? 

Howd. — ^ The cwazy man ! hand dwowned 'imself, too, 

eh? 
Mrs. H. — Yes ; las a me ! the villain drowned himself 

in the Potomac last night ! 

Lenore. — Kind Heaven ! let my love for him atone his 

sin ! 
Eon. H. — And have I driven him to this deed ! O 

God, forgive me ! 

31rs. H — Las a me ! Lenore ! — The idea, Gotly 1 

Howd. — But heaw me wead this bin the Chwoni'cle. 
[Reads'] Man dwowned.- — Geowge Lackland, well 
known as the cwazy cove Wat spouts, hand the willain 
who committed the dawing and bwutal hassault upon 
the daughtew of Honowable Gotlieb 'Eidelbewg, hin 



52 

a fit of phwensy last night, confessed 'is cwime, by 
dwowning 'imself hin the Potomac. 'Is body 'as not 
yet been wecovewed. — [^Aside] CleveTT- chap ! 

ITon, a. — Gnaw ! gnaw ! remorse, my guilty heart ! 
and if thou hast claws, clutch it, and hold it reeking 
in thy talons, before my burning eyes, that I may see 
its crime- blackened core ! 

Lenore. — And he is dead !— heavenly Saviour, 
Save thou his soul, as I did save his life ; 
And love him with Thy love as I — poor I — 
Oh, — mother— father — help ! — farewell— farewell ! 
[Faints in the arms of her mother. '\ 

Mrs. 11. — Merciful heaven ! my child is dying ! 

Hon. II. — Die in thy love, Lenore, and go to Heaven ; 
I'll die in guilt — farewell — we part for ever ! 

Hoivd.— [Aside'] Hegad ! hi vish hi 'ad 'ad an hen- 
gagement fow this houw ! 



A.OT V . 

SCENE I. Pennsylvania Avenue, in front of Dr. 

Toiler s office. Lackland discovered leaniny on 

hitching -post which represents a negro hoy 

holding out his hand with a ring in it. 

Lachl. — For seven weary days thus have I stood, 
Insensible to all the world without 
As if I were this metal negro here 
That silent stands, and holds bis eager hand 
To catch what chance may put within his grasp ; 
But not a clue of my poor lost Lenore 
Yet have I found. — Where is that magic heart 
That chang'd this world of misery and woe— » 
Nay, hell of raving madness, rage, and crime, 



53 

Into a heav'n of happiness and love ? — 
Alas ! — why did my anger banish thought ? 
Why did I hurl the coward from the wall ? 
Thank God, I did not kill him as I thought 
I had, and fled as guilty of a murder ! 

Enter Tad, a neiosboy. 

Tad.—'EiYQumg Star !— Veto to the Civil Rights Bill !— 
Have a Star, sir ? only three cents ? last copy, sir ? 

Lackl. — Yes. Boy, take the money. [Buys paper.'] It 
is a consolation to read the flattering comments on 
my speech. 

Tad. — Thank you. \_Strilces a Canterhury.'] 

Lackl. — Ah, you can dance, I see ? 

Tad. — Yes, — only five cents— beat Mulligan all hollow ! 

LacJd. — Well, my boy, give me a dance. 

My heart is sad ; his merriment may relieve me. 

Tad. — [Calling.'] Hello ! Bob ! come an' pat for me ? 

Enter bootblacJc Bob, voy finely dressed. 
Bob. — Can't do it, Tad — not in the biz. now. 
jTacZ.— Blazes ! Bob, where did you get nW the good 

clothes ? Fire last night ? eh ? 
5o5.~No, sah, Tad ; I comes under de Freedmen's 

Bureau Bill ? Yah ! hyah ! Don't you wish you was 

a niggah, Tad ? 

Enter oystcrboy Steve, blowing his horn. 

Steve. — Hyar's yur nice fresh oysters ! — Gor a'mighty ! 

Bob, whar's you workin' now ? all dem fine clo'es ? 
Bob. — I tells you, Stebe, I b'longs to de Freedmen's 

Bureau. 
Steve. — Golly ! dar was some nice clo'es in de drawers 

den if you got dese dar ! 
Bob. — Got 'em for nuffin too ! gets all my grub for 

nuffin, too ! Better jine in wid me. Ye's black — 

come along. Exit. 

Tad, — No ; hold on, Steve, and pat for me ? Pat up 

Juba. 



§4 

^feve.—AW right ! drive ahead !— Goll j ! wat nice cWes 
dat niggah do weah. Gum ! I thought afore a nig- 
gah -weah all ihe clo'es he got on his back, an' no 
need of a bureau I Guess not, dough, now f 

[^Steve pats, Tad dancer; pmsers hy stop ; among»t oth- 
ers Maj. Bopp who remains after the dancing is over. 'J 

LacM. — Thank you, boys. Here divide this between 
you. l^Q-ives money. \ 

Tad and Steve. — Thank you. Exeunt. 

Maj. B. — Dat boy ish a goofc dancer — eh ? 

Lackl. — [Aside.'\ What ! this the German who a'ttack- 

ed me ! 
Maj. B. — Dat boy ish a goot dancer— eh ? 
LacM. — Yes. [-4siVZe.] Zounds ! 1 could throttle him. I 

Maj. B. — I see you buys a paper. Do you not know 
the news ? I shows 'im to you. \Points to paragraph 
in paper. ~\ 

LacJcL^—YoKi refer to this speech of Heidalberg ? 

Maj. B. — No ! mine gott ! — but read dat. [Poinf» 
■ again. ^ 

Lackl. — Heavens ! what is this ! \^Reads^ Goppied from 
the Chronicle — George Lackland — crazy cove — com- 
mitted daring and brutal assault upon the daughter 
of Honorable Gotleib Heidelberg — phrenzy — confess- 
ed crime by drowning himself — body not recovered I 
[^Partly aside.'] ^Heavens! accuse me of brutally as- 
aulting her ! 

Maj. B. — Ish not dat goot ?• He wash afeart of me ! 

LacM. — Why, who are you ? 

Maj. B. — Mine gott ! I ish der prave soltyer who resh- 
ffiued! her ! Py dam, I cut 'im pad ! 

LacM. — And you say he assaulted her ? 

Maj. B. — Tunner ! I wasK dere ! I saw 'im mit dese 
eyes ! He'shtruck 'er down ! Den I rushed in, und 
grabbed 'im by de throat, und hollered, Holt ! Holt ! 
I stabs you in de pelly mit mine swort ! Oh, I ish a 
prave man ! I cut 'im pad ! 

LacM. — And you published this article in the paper I 



55 

Maj. B.^lSo ! mine gott ! de brinter does dat ! I gib? 
'im de writing, und I says, brint dat ! Tunner ! I isk 
a prave soltyer, und nichts ein brinter ! 

Zackl.— [Taking Mm hy the throat.'] Liar'! villian'l 
know I am George Lackland.! the crazy man ! 

Maj. B.—Oh, mine gott ! wash ish der matter mit me 
now ! 

Lacld.—Down on your knees you cursed liar ! What, 
tell me to my face you rescued from ray brutal grasp 
my own Lenore ? and publish this ? that I am dead ? 
to break her heart ? Down on your knees and beg 
for life, you cowardly liar ! 

Maj ^.—Tunner! I ish bewitched! bewitched! 

Lackl.—\_S]iaJdng him'] You rescue her? you stab 
me with your sword? I drown myself in fear of 
you?— Go! paltry coward! \_Pushes Imn over on 
his back.] 

Maj. B.—O mine faderland ! ish der pavement risin' 
von der grount too ! Und on mine pack ! Oh, I ish 
bewitched ! demoralized und bewitched ! Uxit. 

LacJcl— This then the secret ef the great reward for 
my arrest ! Come ! here am I ! I spurn the charge. 
No! the dastard liars ! they dare not expose their 
villainy! tieaven ! that so much misery should be 
■east upon us by the cowardice and lies of paltry vil- 
lains ! This then their scheme ? Why was I so unsus- 
pecting ! I knew these men were cowards — Avhy did 
I not then know that they would lie, pile lie on lie, 
but^that their cowardice should be concealed ! But — 
.assault Lenore to violate her person ? I ne'er had 
dreamed that man could frame that lie, or knowing 
us, believe it for an instant,! — But, a crazy rebel m 
disguise ! — Aye ! there's the womb that gave the lie 
its birth ! 

JSnter Aileen. 

A-ileen. — An' could you tell me, sir, where Dr. Toner 

lives about here ? 
ZacM.— What ! Aileen ? 
Aileen. — Yis — but can you tell me, sir ? 



56 

. Lao^d. — Do you not know me, Aileen ? 

Ailecn. — No. — The divil take you with your foolin' now! 
— But tell me where is Dr. Toner ? 

Lacld. — [J.sit7c] Like the German, she never saw me but 
as the crazy cove and the old clerk. Thanks — I may 
now learn all.— Dr. Toner lives here. Eut what's 
the matter, Aileen ? 

Aileen. — Sure! an' dinna ye know my masther's daugh- 
ter la dying ? 

LajU.—Lmove ! God ! 

Aileen — Ah, yis ; she heard bad news; her heart is 

sLp ic-~poor, tinder darlint! — But till me, where is 

Dr. Touer ? 

Lacld.~llh.Qi-e ! np those stairs ! Quick, Aileen, quick! 

Aileen.—Thsjik yes. Exit. 

Lacld. — Oh, have then the calumny and lies of these 
damn'd villains murdered my beloved Lenore through 
my delay in fear of an arrest? Come madness now 
again and turn my flashing thoughts into as many 
lightning darts to pierce my soul for aye ! Come ! 
change my crowding thoughts into a troop of fiends 
to goad me from this earth to hell ! Ah, here you are, 
damned crew ! Novr pluck my guilty heart from out 
my breast and tear it with your poisoned fangs among 
you while it bleeds and palpitates ! What ! are ye 
cowards, too ? Here, take my burning brain and 
kindle up your courage ! What ! and do ye fear the 
flame ! Ye poor damned cowards ! back to hell ! 
and learn to brave its fire ! Back ! back ! ye cring- 
ing knaves I 

Re-enter Aileen. 

Aileen — Faith, an' the doctor is not at home at all, at 
sU !-— Ah, the poor, shwate soul is dying. 

Lacld. — Lenore ! Where is she ? Oh, take me to her ? 

Aileen. — An' are yes a doctor ? 

Lacld. — I am ! — Oh, take me to her ! 

Aileen - -Than come!- -Good sir, you have a tinder 
heart ! Come, darlint, come, and save the dear Le- 
nore ! 



57 

£a(?H.— With Heaven's help.— Go, Aileen, go ! 

Exeunt, 
Re-enter Tad, [among other passers-hy.) 

Taci— Evening Star ! Second Edition ! Exit. 

Re-enter Steve, Mowing Ms tin horn. 

Steve.— Rj^LVs, your nice fresh Freedmen's oysters Bu- 
reau! tl yar's your nice fresh clo'es oysters ! 

Exit. 
Enter Howard. 

Eowd. — Hegad ! hit stwikes me hi am hin a pwetty 
box if Lenowe should die ! Wewe is 'er 'alf ha mill- 
ion then, hin or hout hof ray puwse ! eh ? hi Avondew 
weally ! 

Enter Dr. and Mrs. Squirm. 

Doctow, do you think she will wecovew ? 

Dr. Squ. — Irrevocably never ! Most remarkable case 
of trichiniasis on record I But when I pronounced 
this to the Honorable Member, he was so delirious, 
as actually to eject me forcibly from the house with 
his boot, and to send for another of the Faculty ! 
But I shall nevertheless publish an elaborate history 
of the case in the next edition of my Epistle on Epi- 
demies ! 

31rs. Squ. — And when I would have read a tract to the 
dying girl, her mother pulled my hair, and told me 
to go along about my business ! What depravity ! 
But I have full notes of the whole transaction for the 
newspapers. Come -^sculapius. Exeunt. 

JTowd. — Hegad ! ha pewfectly hextwaowdinawy case ! 
Hand wat if it be not mended ? eh ? My wight 
hawm bwoke ! hand not heven my bill fow pewfurae wy 
paid! 

Re- enter Major Bopp, 

Maj. B. — Mine gott ! de crazy man ish not drownt ! 

He kills you deat ! He ish alive und shtrong ash 

pully ! 
Howd. — Ha ! you do not hundewstand ! 



68 

Maj. B.—l nichts furshtay ! py dam ! But he ish not 

drownt ! You finds dat out ven he gets you by der 

neck ! 
Jlowd. — Ha ! ha ! you do not compwe'end ! 'E his 

dwowned has Bwigadiews were killed duwing the 

"waTT — hin the papews — eh ? 
Maj. B. — Yaw, py dam, so you finds out ! You show 

'im deat in der paper, und he vill show you 'im alive 

in der Vashington. 
Howd.-~ — Wewe did you see 'im ? 
Maj. B. — Here ! mine gott, he wash djust here! 
Hawd. — Hegad ! — Ah, hi wemembew now hi 'ave an 

hengagement. Most 'appy to meet 'im 'ere, but hen- 

gagements must be kept. Exit. 

Maj. ^.-— Yaw ! put he not kills you in der papers, py 

dam, ven he kills you ! Exit, 

SCENE II. A hall in the Convent. 
Enter Lackland. 

LacM. — Are then our threads of life so kuit by love, 
So interwoven in one common web. 
That e'en the counterfeit of Atropos, 
Snapping her futile scissors at my thread. 
Should cut the life of my belov'd Lenore? 
So closely love entwines two lives in one ! 
Aye ; had delay her careless fetters lock'd, 
And kept me patient captive for an hour, 
I had not check'd her tearing, parting thread, 
And giv'n her double strength — ' He is not dead!' 
She had not heard — nor had I those words said | 

Enter Lenore. 

Lenore. — Ah, doctor, do not grufily frown on me — 
Oh, do not treat me harshly if I ask — 

Lackl. — The index of my mind, and not my heart, 
Is graven in the furrows of my frown. 
Your life and his depend upon your silence. 

Jjenore. — But tell me, doctor, how is George to-day ? 
The news will lodge forever in my heart, 
Nor wish to wander to my simpler tongue. 



59 

JjacTci. — More hopeful than when you last satv hinl. — Go! 
I would not longer be so cruel. — Go ! 
Then he is well as I — go ! patient, go ! 

Jjenore. — Then he is well. Thanks, dearest doctor^ 
thanks. 
To howl those words were music to my eair. ^ 

Unter Aileen. 

Aileen. — Yer father and yer mither, darlint, are comin 

hard to say their shwate Lenore. UzU. 

Zienore. — My father and my mother ! — Doctor dear. 
Oh, let me kiss them if not speak to them ! 

Lackl—F ovg\-^Q my seeming cruelty. No^go ! 
But take this bead— George gives it you to-day 
A token of his health and love for you. 

\_Gives head.~\ 

Jjenore, — The same I hung about his neck.— He smiled, 
And quaintly said, The Venerable Bede. 
Oh, he then lov'd me though I knew it not.— 
Thanks, doctor, thanks,— be ever cruel thus 
And I shall never fear your lack of kindness. 

LacU.—^ov once my brain is master of my heart ; 
For once my purpose makes my feeling stoop ; 
Now can I move this chess-man as I like. 

Enter Hon. and Mrs. Heidelberg. 
3Ir8. E.—K\ doctor, how is my daughter to-day? 
Laekl—l am as happy to say, as you to hear it, better. 
j^on. iT— Good sir, you have saved her life. May I 

ask, how can I reward you ? 
Zackl— Thank you, sir ; but we will talk of that again'.- 
Mrs. jr.— But, doctor, can't we see her to-day ? Las a> 

me! she's so much better! 
XacA;?.— Have patience, madame. You will have her in 

in your arms at home much sooner than you expect.- 
Mrs. ^.— Las a me ! doctor ! 
Lackl.--^Yes, dear madam;— but come into the nex* 

room this conversation may disturb her. 



60 

]^rs. H.—lToHon. Jr.] Wonderful I 

Hon. H. — Truly wonderful ! Exeunt. 

SCENE III. Heidelhery's parlor. Hoy^A'Rj) discovered. 

Howd. — Fowtunate — clevew chap! Though hi sold 
my fiodd to-day fow a piece hof pie, hand as a last 
wesowt came to bowwow mowe money fwom Mrs. 
'Eidelbewg, hi now find Lenowe 'as wecovewed, hand 
'er 'alf a million mine, suwe pop. Clevew chap 1 

Enter Mes. Heidelberg. 

Mrs. H. — Yes, dear soul, she's coming home to-night as 
well as ever. Las a me ! dear son-in-law, how happy 
she will be to see you. — But, do tell me, where have 
you been since you read her the noArs ? Think of iti 
dear soul, I havn't seen or heard of you since then I 

Hoivd. — Ah, hi thought Lenowe was dying, hand in my 
cwitical condition, hit pewfectly pwostwated me. 

Mrs. H — Ah, yes, dear soul, I might have known that. 
But here comes Aileen. 

Enter Aileen. 

Have they come yet ? 

Aileen. — Aye 1 an' my very heart is playin' layp-frog 
over my tongue foor joy, it is. Och, \U a bowld doc- 
thor that I He'd a tinder faylin' for the shwate cray- 
ther. Aye, I've seen a tear-drop in his eye for her 
suiFerin's ; an', by the powers, I thought I'd be af- 
ther sayin' the millaynium afore I'd say a docthor 
waypin' for a patient ! I would ! 

Enter Hon. Heidelberg, Lenore, ayid Lackland. 
Lenorc. — My mother, dear, oh, take me to your arms I 

Mrs. H. — My darling daughter, come I 

\^They embrace.'] 
Howd. — \_To Lenore] My 'appiness his supweme to see 

you so pewfectly wecovewed. 
Lenore. — I thank you, sir, I am quite well indeed. 
This doctor gave an antidote for you. 



61 

Ilrs. H. — Btti, doctor, las a me ! let me introduce yon 
to my future son-in-law, Sir Henry Howard. 

\_They shake hands.'\ 
Eowd. — [^8zc?e] Hegad I 'e 'as ha feawful gwasp ! 

Mrs. H. — He saved her honor, and she shall now be hia 
wife. 

Zackl. — Ha ! ha ! and I have sav'd her life. Were I 
Dispos'd, I might then claim my patient's hand 
With stronger reason than this gentleman. 

Mrs, H. — Yes, las a me ! but he had first saved her hon- 
or and her name from vile reproach — a good equiva- 
lent for her life. But, las a me ! you're not unworthy 
of her. 

Lackl. — Ha ! thank you ; I'll remember this. 

Hon. II. — Yes, good doctor, you are indeed not unwor- 
thy of our daughter whom you restore to us to-night 
from her death-bed as if by magic ; and if i knew you 
to be as good and wise a man as my old clerk who made 
my celebrated speech, and whose death I occasioned 
by robbing him of it, I would say to you, take my 
daughter, and half my fortune with her, and God bless 
you both ! 

Lenore. — Oh, father, your old clerk, my George, is 
not - 

Lackl. — [^To Lenore] Hold! speak no more! Hold I 
recollect my words ! 

Eon. H. — Wbat say you, daughter ? 

Mrs. a. — The idea ! and not forgot the villain yet ! 

Hoiod. — Hegad ! 

Lenore. —Good doctor, pardon me, but I can bear 
This burden of suspense no longer on 
The feelings of my tender throbbing heart ! 
Go ! quit your jokes and idle talk, and bring 
My noble George before my loving eyes ! 
The hope of seeing whom has sav'd my life ! 
Go, doctor, go ! To-night yoa promised me. 
These arms would circle round my lov'd one's neck; 
These lips vrould cling in fond enraptur'd bliss 
Sipping the nectar of his truest kiss ; 
And this poor heart, that beats against this wall, 
Hear his in unison return the call. 



52f 

Lachl. — The doctor who has saved yoUr life, is he. 

\Kneels.~} 
my belov'd Lenore, I am your George ! 

Mrs. H. — Las a me ! the crazy rebel ! 

Hon. H. — What ! my good old clerk \ 

-Az'Zegw. — Gorrah ! herbowld owld ooncle that gave the 
Ditchman such a welt ! a docthor ^in disguise ! But 
he has a tinder heart, he has. 

Bowd.—HegdLdL ! [^s/c^e] Hit stwikes me hi am in as 
box, vich is likely to be my coffin ! 

Lenore. — Kind Heaven, can it be ! Beloved George^ 
A THREE- FOLD LOVE now will I have for you: 
My Uncle George ; the crazy man I sav'd ; 
And now the doctor who has saved my life. 

Lachl. — \_To Hon. H.'] Good sir, I am the clerk that' 
made your speech 

Hon. H. — No more — no more ! I know your story, sir^ 
God knows the burden you have taken from my con- 
Bcience now. Let me take you by the hand. {^They 
shake Jiands.~\ You have an honest gripe : it will 
protect my daughter : here, fold it in it. \^Lays Xe- 
Ttores hand in Lackland' s.l God bless you both ! 

Mrs. S".— Las a me ! Gotly, you are mad ! She is this 
English lord's. 

Howd. — Most 'appy, but — ^\_Going'] 

Lachl. — Hold ! you villain ! You say I committed s 
brutal assault upon this lady here ? Liar ! confess 
the slander, or you shall feel my strength again ! 

Lenore.— Oh, do not, George, he is a simple fool. 

His broken arm is punishment enough. 
Hon. H. — I could have sworn the villain lied. 
Mrs. H. — Las a me ! you scamp, have you deceived mel^ 

Begone ! 
Aileen. — Gorrah ! let me at him ? 
Lenore. — No ! pray do not ! — forgive his villainy, 

For it has work'd us good. — Now go, in peace* 
Howd.— Ah thanks. Most 'appy to stay longer, but hi 

wemembew now, hi 'ave an hengagement. \_Croing.'j 



63 



Enter Maj. Bopp witli Miss Flirtina, 

Mrs. H. — Yes, an engagement with this young lady ! 
The jealous thiu^ ! 

Flirtina. — my love Henry, have I found you at last ! 

\_G-oes to Howard.'] 

Maj. B. — Tunner und sour-krout ! Oh, mine gott ! 
wash ish de matter mit me now ! Tunner ! Mish Flir- 
tina, you tells me pring you here, und you will be 
mine frau, und, py dam, now you goes to dish Eng- 
lish lord, who ish a cowart ! knave ! 

LacJcL —And what are you ? You are the brave soldier 
who rescued this Udy from my brutality ? 

Maj. B. — Tunner ! I ish bewitched und demoralized ! 
{Pointing to Hotvard] He ish de man ! He gibs me 
Mish Flirtina if I gibs 'im Mish Lenore ! He drowns 
you in de paper! I ish not de man! Und mine 
koornelcy ! were ish it now ! Ah, I ish bewitched ! 
bewitched ! 

Aileen. — Arrah ! I've a shpite at the Ditchman, too ! 
Do you see that ! Aye ! I'd welt the dirty pate of 
you, I would ! 

Maj. ^.— Mine gott ! wash ish de matter mit me now ! 
Enter Dr. and Mrs. Squirm and Mickib. 

Dr. Bqu. — Oh ! oh ! my daughter has clandestinely 
eloped with the German count ! Trichiniasis and 
cholera which by analogy clandestinely eloped — [Sees 
Flirtina with Howard.] 

Mrs. Squ. — Ah, my daughter, my daughter ! Where can 
I find my appropriation for my philanthropic distri- 
bution of Hebrew tracts among our — [Sees Flirtina 
with Howard.] 

J)r. aS'^w.— Wonderful to behold ! Mirabile [Looks in 
hook] visu ! 

Mrs. Squ. — Extraordinary metamorphosis I-'-My note 
book ! [ Writes.] 

Mickie. — Aye! here's the Ditch vagabond ! [To Maj. 
Bopp] Do you ricognize yer owld frinds yit ? 



64 

Dr. Squ. — The unconscionable villain ! 

Maj. B. — Oh, mine gott ! wash ish de matter mit me 

now! 
Eon. II. — They're lying, cowardly villains — both of 

them ! 
Flirtina. — What ! my Henry a lying, cowardly villain ! 

Aileen. — Yis, a low blackguard ! [Putting her fist un- 
der HoivanTs nose'] Do you mind that ! That's what 
owld Ireland would be afther doin' now to your coun- 
thry England ? eh ? 

Lenore. — No more of this ! Peace ! peace, good people 
all! [To Hoioard'] 

Here, take the hand of her who loves you dearly, 
And beg her to forgive you as I do. 

[Lays Flirtina s hand in Howard's. ] 
Flirtina. — [To Iloivard] Was it for her, [Lenore] so 
good, so kind, so amiable, and so beautiful, that you 
deserted me ? Was it for her that you became a vil- 
lain ! I do forgive you, Henry : she surpasses me as 
day does night : You had been a cursed villain not to 
have left me for her ! 

Dr. Squ. — Lenore not dead? Alas ! for my chapter on 
her extraordinary case of trichiniasis ! 

Mrs. Squ. — George Lackland not drowned ? Alas ! 
for my moral reflections on his death already publish- 
ed in the Bosting journals ! 

How d.— [Kneeling to Flirtina'] Fow once hi vill be hon- 
est bin my life, hi did not love Lenowe, but 'er 'alf 
a million I 

Mrs. H. — And, las a me ! the scamp has got a couple 
hundred of it already ! 

Flirti7ia. —Then you have left your love for me. That 
will I take for it was love for me myself — I had no 
money. Come, kiss me now — all is over! 

Hoivd.—yio^i:, 'appy. [Tliey kiss.] 

Maj. j5.— Tunner und blitzen ! 

Hon. H. — Come Sarah Jane, take Lenore's hand, as I 
take Mr. Lackland's, and let us join them together 
as the symbol of cur wishes that their lives united 



65 

may be ever virtuous and happy. And Dr. Squirm, 
with your good lady there, do you the same with Miss 
Flirtina and Mr. Howard. 

Mrs. ff.j Dr. and Mrs. Squ.—l do.- 

Maj. B. — Lenore not deat ! De crazy man not drownt ! 
De English cowart vins mine frauline, Mish Flirtina, 
who says she ish mine to night, py dara, to get me 
pring her here ! Ob, mine gott ! I ish bewitched ! 

3Iickie. — Yis, ye diriy divil ye, and kicked with yer 
own boots ! [^Kicking'] Don't you ricognize yer owld 
frinds ! [IJxit Maj. Bopp haivUng, mine gott! wash 
ish de matter mit me now /] Whoo ! the Fenians would 
bate the divil ! — But Aileen, mavourneen, where are 
ye ? Would ye be afther shtandin' shtill and sayin' 
nothin when all this jinin' of hands is goin' on ? 
Come, darlint, come ! 

Aileen. — Arrah, Mickie, you're my heart's own love. 

Mickie. — Aye, an yer a jewel— a carbooncle. Howld 
here your gob. [He kisses her'] Aye ! an' mind ye 
now, we're anither hid cintre ! Hurroo ! the Fenians 
are flourishin' mightily ! 
Lackl. — And God be praised, that after all our crime. 
And sorrow, pain, remorse, and shame, and fear, 
That we, poor agents of the One above, 
Should now be blessed with a Three-fold Love. 
Mrs. jSqu. — This must be published in the Bosting 
journals. 

END OP THE DRAMA. 



Disposition of the Characters as the curtain falls. 

Aileen. Mickie. 
Lenore. Lackl. Flirt Eowd. 

m ^ ^ ^ 

Mrs. H. Hon. H. Mrs. Squ. Dr. Squ. 



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